▶ Your Answer :
In recent years, contemporary world would argue the effects of part time works of adolescents, citing whether working is an advantage or a disadvantage for them. I partly agree with the importance of juvenile works and will pose both opinions with some applicable reasons.
To begin with, on the one hand, when people are studying, doing something different can disturb their studies. The main reason is that even though children are using their spare time, time for studies will definitely be less than those who are only studying. At that moment,<(what moment?) students should concentrate on their studies instead of paid work. Another reason is that the young are still immature to control themselves. If they start to work and earn money, it might be dangerous for children to be delinquencies. To be specific, some students having money spend money on wrong doings such as alcohol, smoking, or drugs. Additionally, part time work places often treat deal with juvenile workers badly, like skipping salaries giving no wage. (body paragraphs의 길이를 조금 더 balance해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
On the other hand, there are positively other positive views on juvenile works. <(other views라고 하시면 글쓴이의 의견이 아닌것 처럼 들립니다) Firstly, from young ages a range of experiences can help children to grow up and to adapt to real societies. Schools help children acquire knowledge of books. <내용 연결이 안됩니다> Consequently, they need to practice to earn money as well as to live without parents' supports. Furthermore, if students utilize their spare time when they will not study but will to play outside instead of studying more, it is more useful to work for part time because not all students are not interested in studies.
To recapitulate, taking into both sets of arguments, I am of the belief that even if some paid work are risky, to experience safely can be a good lesson for teacher of children. However, when they are on work, from the government and schools perspective, proper management should be applied to protect children.
Score: 6 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 질문에 대한 내용은 fair하다고 생각합니다. I를 안쓰고 thesis statement을 쓰실려 예를 들어 다음이 있습니다: I believe that working part time can teach children good things but also can be a bad influence > Working part-time can teach children good lessons, but it can also be a bad influence if not handled with caution. 하지만 IELTS 같은 경우에 I를 꼭 써야해야하는 상황이라면 괜찮습니다. IELTS 에세이같은 경우는 opinion 질문이 있기 때문에 in my opinion/I believe 같은 표현은 쓰셔도 문제가 되지는 않습니다. 하지만 body내용에는 너무 I를 자주쓰시는것은 추천하지 않습니다. 저번 첨삭에서 아마 thesis statement에 I를 쓰셨는데 제가 다른 것으로 착각하고 잘못 알려드린 것 같습니다. 죄송합니다. 더 주의 있게 첨삭하도록 노력하겠습니다. 문법상 표현과 어순에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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