▶ Your Answer :
As time goes by, the number of overweight children has been going up and almost 20% has increased by almost 20% in western society in the recent ten years. This essay will examine the reasons why this situation happened and suggest some measures.
The predominant factor resulting this problem is that modern people live busily. As the number of double-income families has increased, children should have dinner by themselves and they usually eat instant food that has a large amount of fat and salt due to simple handling. Another reason is the development in transportation and IT industry causes lack of exercise. Children tend to use buses or metro, unless the distance is very short. Also, the activities children do in their free time has changed from energetic games such as soccer and skateboarding to surfing the net and playing online games.
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It is important that action is taken to combat this matter. Firstly, the rate of PE class have to be grown.<(what do you mean by rate) Schools need to provide students many types of sports, and instruct profitable ways to exercise, and produce a balanced diet<(diet는 physical activities와는 크게 연관성이 없습니다) expecting good effect to their health, because there are not many chances to learn about physical activities.Secondly, the role of the parents is significant. Although they are busy, they must at least take care of children's breakfast, as it stimulates use of brain and preventing excessive eating.
To conclude, it is evident that there are many much risky elements that make children overweight. It is difficult to remove all of the causes, however, the regulations must be carried out for children that encourage to have a healthy habit not only in schools goverments but also in household.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 내용은 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 전체적으로 clarity에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 문법에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 추가로 질문의 주제 외에 질문/task자체도 함꼐 올려주시면 감사하겠습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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