▶ Your Answer : There are many transportation such as cars, trains, and airplanes that are powered by petrol in the world. Those make people convenient to move to places, while it causes pollution and traffic jam. I think raising the price of petrol could be a solution to deal with these problems. <(to what extent do you agree or disagree이기 때문에 simply 'could be a solution'는 질문을 fully satisfy하지는 않습니다)
One study result demonstrates that people tend to drive their own vehicles more when price of petrol is low. In contrast, people do not use their cars much when prices are that is high. People start considering to use public transportation when cost of driving personal own cars becomes more expensive. More than that, governments should impose more taxes on petrol and use them to solve the pollution problem.
(Need better topic sentence)>Also, we can expect that this solution can solve the traffic jam. As I have referred above, people will be use their own vehicles transport less when there is an increase in increasing the price of petrol. <need better coherence> However, governments should make an effort to increase public transportation and support limiting the price of buses or trains. <(why?) Furthermore, I suggest that the government should develop public transportation operated by eco-friendly fuels such like electricity or organic gases. This can be helpful for reducing pollution.
In brief, we can have the expectation that increasing price of petrol makes people use more public transportation and their own cars one less. Moreover this can reduce the traffic jams and pollution. However, government also should also put on effort for people's conveniences.
Score: 6 Comment: 세 번째 문단의 주제를 조금 더 clarify해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 표현과 spelling에 주의를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현과 문구를 사용하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 일부분들이 조금 repetitive하게 보입니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |