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People have various opinions concerning about improving public health. Some people believe that the most effective way to encourage people to take care of their health is to increase the number of sports facilities. However, others assert that other alternatives are more necessary because the main cause of low public health is people's willing towards sports. <(can improve)
To begin with, some people believe that the substantial number of sports centers provide people more chances to do exercises. People can workout for their health regardless of weather. Moreover, people can enjoy doing various sports that required specific facilities such as swimming pools, courts, and so on. Through many brunchs<(?? 존재하는 단어가 아닙니다) of public sports centers, it is easy for people to access within a short distance. As a result of convenient assessment, average levels of public health will be upgraded. Thus, installing many sports facilities is the best way to improve public health.
However, there are also different opinions. Others claim that other measures are more crucial than the number of sports facilities. This is because people's willingness and interests are the most significant in terms of sports. In order to encourage people to keep in shape health, people should acknowledge about the needs for taking care of their caring health. For example, conducting some campaigns that let the public know the importance of health will be very effective. Although there are many sports facilities, if people do not know the needs and then not use it, those facilities will lose its functions and be meaningless. Therefore, improving awareness of health is more important.
In conclusion, both viewpoints show different measures. I strongly believe that both figures <(both figures do/is what to accomplish...?) to accomplish high levels of public health. <(글쓴이의 의견이 clear하지 않습니다)
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 fair한데 문법상 틀리시는 곳이 많습니다. 특히 spelling에 너무 많이 틀리시고 계십니다. 또한 띄어스기에 주의 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 스펠링/단어형태/collocation/에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트르 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |