▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, many people decide to emigrate to foreign countries to live, and study and work. Some people argue this is the best way to develop their abilities, meanwhile, some people claim this is not the best way for people’s careers. In my opinion, I am in agreement with this statement. <(which statement?) Opponents insist studying and working in homeland is more valuable for their improvement. Because, if you study and work in the motherland, you can receive support of from the government, and families and friends. And also, your old friends will help to comfort to you when you are your all mind out of shape due to stress of study and work. On the other hand, if you have do a job or study in foreign soil, you would not got a many chances with from relationships. For example, if you prepare graduation exhibition in your motherland, you can receive help from friends and families. Nonetheless, if you really want to experience exotic culture to expand your mind, you can be satisfied satisfy through choice to travel in foreign countries. These ways can gratify your desire of study and work in a foreign land, and also, traveling has the travel have a little less risks than emigrating to foreign nations. Most of all, living abroad would be hard and depressing due to by lack of time to play with your friends and families. <(어디가 문단의 시작이고 끝이고 새로운 문단의 시작인지 아니면 이 모든 내용이 한문단으로 왔어야했는지 모르겠습니다. 이 모든 내용이 한문단으로 와야했다면 내용이 너무 길고 정리가 전혀 안되어있습니다. 또한 paragraph form을 전혀 가추지 않았습니다. 또한 글쓴이의 의견을 묻고 있는 질문이기 때문에 다른 사람의 의견 보다는 글쓴이의 의견으로 주로 서술을 해주셔야합니다) However, I regard that emigrating to foreign countries have a much more advantage than disadvantage for their life and future. First of all, the emigration can help to expand their sight <(what do you mean by sight?). This is because exotic food and different scenes might stimulate their sensibility. This effect is connected to positive effect to artistic ability and creativity. <(not a paragraph form) Secondly, emigrating to foreign countries induce to more diverse relationships. By meeting foreigners meet abroad person in your workshop or school, you could have a chance to for make a exotic friends. This relationship can help to cut down on your stereotype about cultures, and life styles and food etc and increase respect and understanding about importance of divers. <(not a paragraph form) Finally, living in a foreign land is a big challenge for them. Actually, whether that challenge succeeds or not or unsuccess, even try they can acquire of wisdom and realize about life by experiencing diverse situations and people. If they come back to the in motherland after finishing life of abroad, they can use knowledge from their abroad life experience of abroad life. For example, kind of idea of food business and work of art etc.<(need better/relevant examples) In conclusion, although emigration to foreign land have a few difficulties like relationship, and communication and meal, this has is have a good effect on their education and experience for their future and success in life.
Score:4 Comment: 전체적으로 composition/coherence/cohesion/clarity가 많이 떨어집니다. Composition 항상 말씀드렸던 paragraph form 문제 입니다. Coherence 하고 cohesion은 내용 연결성이 조금 떨어집고 내용 정리가 잘 안되거 있습니다. Clarity는 문법/표현/문장구조에 많이 틀리시고 계시기 때문에 내용 이해력이 조금 떨어집니다. 내용상 advance in life외에 career에 대해서도 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 스펠링/전치사/collocation/단어형태/문맥에 맞는 표현에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 특히 to 부정사 인만큼 to + 원형동사이지 for+원형동사는 어색한 조합입니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |