▶ Your Answer :
International events are enjoyed by many
people. Apart from the entertainment purposes, and with the whole country been
together (unclear), serves to relieve international tension.<(주어가 없는 문장입니다) There are several other
national events in each country; however, the international events are that
works most effectively like FIFA.<(unclear) (질문에 대한 thesis statement가 clear하지 않습니다)
International events can bring the whole
nations together, at least temporarily. By focusing on sports games, citizens,
at least can at least forget about the differences. Since there are many countries that suffer from various conflicts such as political, military and cultural issues,
sports games are the easiest methods to release of these conflicts. <(conflict는 release할 수 없으며 오히려 release conflict라고 하시면 갈등이 발생하다 라는 느낌을 줍니다) However, during
this time, everyone within the same country can forget about all those
differences and can bring all the conflicting feelings toward to the opponent
countries. Therefore, during this event, whole nations can be together and they
can express their patriotic views in an appropriate way.
Other events, national events, can be used
as a similar way. However, these must follow by several criterions. Firstly,
these events must be entertaining to draw everyone’s attention. Furthermore,
these events must be active, and specifically involve performances which are done
by a group of people. As a result, the events of the nation can make the
country to be one. Each nation has their own national events, which bring all nations’
attention and meet its criterion.<(what criterion?) Therefore, international events, especially
sports events, are the most suitable for such purposes. <(Clarity가 떨어지며 조금 irrelevant하게 들리는 문단입니다.)
In conclusion, international sporting
events make everyone enjoying together and that releases the tension on the any
differences in that nation. Therefore, the international sporting events are the
best ways to easing the national’s tension.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 전체적으로 clarity가 떨어지고 organization이 조금 더 필효합니다. 헷갈리게 들리는 내용과 repetitive하게 들리는 내용이 있기 때문에 이해가 잘 안되는 부분들이 있습니다. 내용 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 specificity 에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 표현 때문에 헷갈리게 들리는 부분도 있는 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 whole nations can be brought together이라고 얘기를 해주셨지면 people within the same country can forget about problems and bring feelings toward opposing countries라고 해주시고 다시 whole nations can be together이라고 하셨습니다. 각 나라가 분열없이 하나가 된다는 것인지 모든 나라가 하나가 된다는 것인지 confusing합니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |