▶ Your Answer :
Some critics claim that watching sports can
be a great leisure activity while others believe that it is a waste of time.
However, in my perspective, sport is a waste of time, and, other activities are
better than sports watching. Sports watching is are a waste of time and are
emotionally unhealthy. During two hours of a football game, people can perform other
tasks such as doing the house chores or completing the homework. To watching
sports, Furthermore, watching sports would stimulate stimuli the people's brain to feel excited or
depressed depending on the process of the games.<(why is this bad?) <Need to use coherence> England Premier League's game
would be the popular talk that lasts for a week or more about the game results.
If the supported team lost from the game, the depression from such a result
will continue until another match and will affect people's daily activities.
Therefore, watching sports is are emotionally unhealthy and is are wasting a time. <(전체적인 내용/글 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) (Need better transition) Due to wasting the time on watching sports,
other leisure activities are better. According to the US survey, the most
popular leisure activities were the reading and travelling. This indicates that
many people chose the leisure activities related to the future development
purposes than entertainment purposes. Home-based leisure activities would
provide the indirect experiences while the travelling can provide gain the direct
experiences such as the culture, tradition, custom and languages. Whereas
sports-watching will not contribute gain anything except for the mere entertainment and
relaxation.<(sentence fragment) The leisure activities, therefore, should have entertainment as
well as the future personal development, unlike watching sports that is only
focused on entertainment.
In conclusion, because of the sports lasts
too long and that time can be used for productive tasks, the watching sports is
a waste of time. Instead of watching sports, people can do other leisure activities
which are more helpful for their personal growth.
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 fair한데 전체적인 글 정리가 필요합니다. 또한 문법상 주어에 조금 더 주의를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 travel can gain 이라고 하셨는데 그렇다면 여행이 ~을 얻는다 가 됩니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |