▶ Your Answer :
The number of re-committing crimes is increasing and this becomes a heated issue. Re-committing of crimes can be the reason for the pressures from external parties (society and the public) to suffer physically and mentally. <(unclear/ 그리고 re-committing crimes가 어떠한 결과에 이유이다 가 아니라 re-committing crimes가 일어나는지에 대한 이유을 주셔야합니다.) Therefore, this issue can be dealt by the relevant programs at by the prison centres.
Criminals re-commit the crimes because they cannot be fitted into society. According to the survey <(what survey?), 80% of offenders have committed a crime after they have released <(released what?) and this rate is increasing every year. The reason for this is that there are insufficient companies hiring criminals, which leads to difficulty a difficult for criminals to pay the living expenses. Even if offenders find a job, they may not be able to endure the entire gossip and people's stereotype on criminals. Because majority of the people have a bad image on criminals, people reflects the bad images on the work of criminals to make them get hurt emotionally. Those criminals who get hurt emotionally will express those emotions negatively by committing a crime again. Therefore, the reason for the criminals to make a crime is a difficulty in employment and the public's eye.
To solve this issue, society should provide the relevant programs as a part of punishment which involves of communication, sharing emotions, and practical skills. For example, in the case of California prison, they have established a the program where criminals can interact with society by actively involving in voluntary work around the neighborhood, doing the cleaning the garbage or gardening. In this case, the public image on criminals has improved, and also, re-employment rate is high after their sentence is served. Like this, if other prison systems include the interaction with the society under the police's control, it will beneficial for criminals and society. Therefore, the frequent interacting with society for criminals will reduce the re-committing a crime and they will be fitted in society perfectly.
In conclusion, the incremental rates of re-committing crimes are due to the difficulty to fit in society as a criminal and this can be solved by providing active interactions with society as a program.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 질문에 대한 답은 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 문법이나 문장구조가 어색한 부분들이 일부 있습니다. 이 부분들은 글안에 있는 수정을 봐주시며 될 것 같습니다. 또한 body 문단들을 조금 summarize해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 specificity에도 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |