▶ Your Answer :
There is rising of violence in society. Some people claim that the violent society has derived from the violent media while others claim that, that is not true. <비슷한 말을 다르게 서술해주신 것 같습니다> It is believed that, the medias have influenced society to become violent. However we cannot ignore that, the external factors also have contributed some parts to violent society. <(글쓴이의 주장이 조금 더 clear하면 좋을 것 같습니다.) Violent media has a highly influential <(highly influential what to society) to society to become violent. There is a high correlation are highly correlated between the number of hours playing video games or watching violence, and the number of crimes. Too much time exposed to violent images have high influence to people acting negatively. Furthermore, the human brains are manipulating the situation that is more favourable to its users. In other words, if people constantly watch violence, the human brain would justify those images as a rightful action. Thus, the more people playing with violent games, the more human brains would recognize the violence as a rightful thing to do and that can create a violent society. However, not all violent actions are derived from merely medias. It could be influenced by other factors. According to the science journal, children’s behavior is formed by 50% from DNA factors and 50% from environmental factors. If children are surrounded by violent people (families and friends), they have a high possibility to have a violent behavior. In addition, most of people are having under pressure and more than half of them have been thinking of doing violent actions to escape from the current issues or lifestyles. Too much pressure can cause people to think about extreme but in a bad way. Therefore, the continuous pressure will result people to act violently and that will form a violent society. In conclusion, violent society is formed by a number of factors. Among these factors, violent medias could be the one of its causes.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 질문에 대한 답이 아주 좋다고 생각합니다. Reasoning/supporting도 잘 해주셨습니다. 다만 문법상 단어 형태나 시제에 틀리시고 계십니다. 문맥/문구상 정확한 단어형태에 주의를 해주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |