▶ Your Answer :
It is believed that one of the major
responsibilities of a country is to maintain public health in a high level. To achieve
the goal, many people assert that the governments should make more facilities
where citizens can take part in sporting activities such as swimming, tennis
and golf. However, others think that it is a passive approach to promote public
health, that the governments should find better ways to tackle this issue.
On the one hand, it is apparently a good
idea to build more sports facilities to encourage people to involve in playing
sports. These days, over-weight caused by lack of physical activities is the
most common health problem we face. This is because over-weight may turn into
obesity, which causes serious diseases such as diabetes and heart attacks. With
the increased number of sports clubs, people are engaged in more physical
activities.<(how?/need to elaborate elaborate) This is particularly beneficial to young children as they can acquire
a good habit of playing sports at an early life. <(sports facilities가 더 많아지는게 어떻게 사람들을 운동하게끔 encourage하는지에 대해 서술을해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. )
On the other hand, many people believe that
the mere action of constructing sports centers should not be enough to make the
public stay healthy. They point out that the governments should take more aggressive
measures considering about the degree of significance in this matter. For example,
the governments can give their citizens an opportunity to have a regular medical
checkup. In this way, people are diagnosed for whatever diseases if they have
any.
In a nutshell, it is crucial for the
governments to enhance public health as it is highly related to the well being
of citizens. I am convinced that constructing more sporting facilities is the
most effective way in given circumstances. This is because it can ease the
problem of obesity by burning calories in the process of participating in
physical exercises.
Score: 7.5 Comment: 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 글쓴이의 의견이 introduction에서 부터 clear하면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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