▶ Your Answer :
It is evident that children during their growth are affected by a range of things which are significant for the future children's future characters and personalities. Therefore, there is an ongoing heated debate in the modern society, of who or what has more influence on children, family members or surrounding environment. In this essay, I will pose this controversial phenomenon and my stance regarding both are important with some applicable supports.
To begin with, proponents who insist that family members are more effective would base grounding on several facts. Firstly, family members are the closest people to kids on a regular basis. From the birth, they live with them and do everything together before they become will be independent or want not want to be with them. The another reason is that children copy other people's behaviours naturally. This occasion is quite instinctual in order to learn and to survive. To be specific, the majority of babies say their first a word by which they heard the most by the first saying time. <(이 영향을 으로 부터 받는다고 연결을 시켜주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) Lastly, families each have each their own atmospheres such as ways of thinking, food habits, and speaking habits, and this eventually affects affecting that children to resemble the families in the end.
Be that as it may, there are others who would consider surrounding environment is more effective. The main reason is that during children's growth, they cannot help but meeting others including friends, schoolmates, and teachers other than except family members, because they have to be a member of the society. Thus, through others, children can accept and learn about the differences between them, by thinking which behaviours are better by themsleves. From this process, children's development would be complete, by having their own character. Furthermore, there is also an impressive experience to give children either lessons or negative guides. To elaborate, if children had seen violent and disordered views, they would just have had information about that and be likely to be that kinds of person.<(unclear)
To recapitulate, taking into account both sets of arguments, I am of the belief that for children both family members and environments play much important roles due to children's fast learning abilities. For these reasons, they need positive and better ideas to acquire for their bright future.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 전체적으로 글 정리를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 특히, 문법에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 표현/어순/punctuation에 주로 틀리시고 계시며 그렇기 때문에 일부분이 어색하게 들립니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |