▶ Your Answer :
In the past, a bicycle was the main form of
transportation for the daily lifestyles. As the technology develops, the
various forms of transportation had decreased the use of bicycles. However,
many countries have encouraged people to ride a bicycle for the health and
environmental issues. Thus, many countries have constructed many bicycle lanes
and imposed a regulation to companies to provide bicycle facilities involving
storages and shower areas. Nevertheless, people would not use a bicycle to
travel for the long distance for several reasons. Despite all those reasons, I
believe the main reason could be the tiredness. To solve this issue, the
government could provide 'rider friendly facilities'.<(Introduction을 조금 더 summarize 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
There are several possible causes leading
people not to use a bicycle; tiredness, insufficient bicycle lanes, traffic
jams, long distance and children issues, but the main causes could be the
storage issues.<(글쓴이의 주장이랑 contradicting 합니다. 그렇기 때문에 내용의 consistency가 떨어지며 글쓴이가 전달하고자 하는 것이 무엇인지 헷갈리게 들립니다) Since people have to carry many lots of things in order to travel,
riding a bicycle with a heavy backpack will not be the most preferable options.
That adds more weight to their ride and result in more tiredness. Therefore,
people would not use the bicycle as the main form of transport to travel.
To solve this issue these issues, the government could
provide some useful facilities. The government can provide the
"rider-friendly facilities". The cyclists do not have to carry their
backpacks while they are riding, because they can simply ride until the
facility areas where it provides food, drink, mets<(???), tents, bicycle storage,
shower booths and tents. To do that, the provision of the riders-friendly
facilities can encourage people to ride a bicycle for a journey.
In conclusion, despite all other reasons
for people to not riding a bike, many people would not ride a bicycle due to
the backpack issues. Since people carry all their stuffs, it would be
bothersome to ride a bicycle. The government could introduce various facilities
to help cyclists to ride comfortably in order to encourage the use of
bicycle.
Score: 6 Comment: 에세이 내용중 세 번째 문단이 크게 persuasive하게 들리지 않습니다. 만약에 짐이 많아서 자전거를 타지 않는 다면 그 짐은 꼭 음식이나 음류가 아닌 책, 휴대폰, 컴퓨터, 서류 등등이 되기 때문에 food, drink, tents, shower booths를 제공하는 facilities가 있다 하여도 짐이나 가방을 안들도 되는 건 아닌 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 힘이 들거나 피곤해도 이런 facilities가 있어 쉬어갈 공간을 제공함으로 자전거를 이용하는 것을 encourage할 수 있다 라고 해주실 수 는 있습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |