▶ Your Answer :
Giving a pocket money to children becomes
the norm, showing parent's affection. A Pocket money can teach children about
responsibility, management, and ownership, and it is useful in emergency cases.
However, some other people would believe that since children are lacking of
finance knowledge, giving money is a waste of money. This essay will discuss
both aspects of views before reaching a reasonable conclusion.
A Pocket money would provide an opportunity
to teach children about money management, responsibility and ownership. By
receiving the money from parents, children will get the feel of responsible for
that money. They will think of how to use of that money. For the first few
times, they may spend all their money on entertainment, but they will eventually
learn to save.
On the other hand, some critics claim that
giving a pocket money would have no use to children, because most of goods are
provided by parents. Therefore, this will lead children to spend on useless
items since they do not have financial knowledge. It can sometimes lead children
to buy drugs or engage in gambles. Even the younger children would be spend on most of their monies on food and snacks.
In my opinion, a pocket money is necessary
for children even though they already have most necessities of items at home. Because
children could learn the value of money by making a mistake in their purchasing
options. <(sentence fragment/앞문장과 콤마로 연결해서 써주셔야합니다/Because로 문장을 시작하는 것은 추천하지 않습니다) They would be able to see that the value of items that they purchased, have
a sale or reduced in price few days later.<(little unclear) From this experience, children can
learn the value of money and they will save the money for the better items.
In conclusion, despite all the risks of
dangerous addictions, the money from parents can teach children, about
responsibility, saving, management as well as financial knowledge. Therefore, a
pocket money should be provided.
Score: 7 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. Coherence/cohesion에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 punctuation/표현 에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |