▶ Your Answer :
Recently, several languages disappeared in each year within various countries. Some people think that it is a good for people who are born in the future, because there are fewer languages to learn in the world, and it makes people’s life easier. Others, however, insist that it is not a good phenomenon. I strongly disagree that this phenomenon makes life more easier. <(중요성에 대해서도 답을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
First of all, languages contain many a lot of various information about a specific culture. Many experts have agreed that learning a language is the easiest way to study a feature of the culture. This is because a language has been developed by people as time goes on, and it represents specific identity of people who use that those language. Furthermore, if people want to adjust to some countries, they have to learn their language first. They can easily accept other cultures while during learning a language. Therefore, being disappeared several languages disappearing is not a good phenomenon.
Moreover, historians have warned that forgotten languages might have a valuable information of history. Many languages are a proof of where people originated from, and how they lived. This is because a language is a fundamental communication source since people can speak to each other. For example, historians can surmise when some civilization started their agriculture or hunted animals by interpreting some carved pictures on the caved wall. <(carved pictures는 지금 사용되는 말하는/사용하는 언어와는 조금 다르기 때문에 irrelevant하게 들리거나 논리적으로 들지 않습니다) If they do not know how to comprehend those words, people cannot learn ancient history. Also, if historians cannot preserve some languages it will take much time to interpret those words. Thus, it is apparent that dying out several languages dying out has to be cautious to people.
To conclude, I definitely disagree that life will be easier if there are fewer languages in the world. Any languages contains many a lot of culturally and historically valuable information. If we lose more languages, it will lead us to losing many a lot of cultures and history.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 글쓴이의 주장을 잘 펄쳐주셨습니다. 다만 life will be easier or not 외에 important or not에 대해서도 답을 주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. Body 내용은 언어가 사라지는 것을 중요한 문제라고 전달을 해주기 때문에 이에 대해서도 supporting을 해줍니다. 세 번째 문단의 예시를 수정 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Carved paintings는 언어 라고 하기에는 아주 먼 옛날에 visually 소통하던 방법입니다. 그렇기 때문에 조금 irrelevant하게 들립니다. 문법상 formality/수식어/plurality/전치사/시제/어순/number agreement/에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. A lot of/ lots of라는 표현은 informal하기 때문에 안 쓰시는게 더 좋습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 마지막으로 첨삭이 너무 많이 늦어서 죄송합니다. 수고 하셨습니다! |