▶ Your Answer : There is an wide agreement that using a bicycle is very beneficial for the countries and their citizens for various reasons. However, some countries are reluctant to adopt the bicycle as their main transportation system for the following three reasons.
Firstly, the lack of advertisement.<(incomplete sentence. Listing을 해주시는 느낌 보다는 서술/explain/reasoning을 해주시는 느낌을 주셔야하기 때문에 full sentence로 써주셔야합니다.) It is not easy for ordinary people to know quite well about the benefits that bicycles can provide. Their health improving functions coupled with the nature of environment-friendly way of moving are big strong points of the bicycle. However, without proper advertisement, it would be challenging for the states to convince people to ride a bike as their main transport.
Secondly, the deficit of infrastructure.<(incomplete sentence) Even though we are fully aware of the reasons why we should use the bicycle <(앞의 나온 내용과 조금 contradicting 합니다), if there are no proper infrastructures like bicycle only roads, and paved roads alongside the river or urban areas, it would be extremely hard to make up our minds to use the bicycle. It can be a nonsense to urge citizens that using a bicycle is beneficial without providing the road that the wheels to be rolled.
Thus, we can draw a conclusion from these two limits. When the government is wants to address its people about the bicycle as a new transportation system, there should be a two-track approach. In one way, the government should keep persuading people on the benefits that they can ensure by the advertisements. And, in another way, there must be a proper infrastructure for the riders. Through these two-way approaches, we can roll the two wheels of the bicycle.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 오히려 두 질문을 body에 서술을 해주시고 두 질문에 대한 답을 concluding을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 즉, 두 번째 질문 또한 다른 하나의 문단으로 서술을 해주시고 내요을 조금 더 elaborate해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 첫번째 질문에 답의 경우 답은 좋은데 contradicting하게 들리는 내용이 있습니다. 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 문법상 크게 문제가 되는 곳은 없는데 약간 informal하게 들리는 표현들이나 tone이 있습니다. 조금 더 formality에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |