In the modern world, schools are no longer necessary because there is so much information available through the internet that they can just as well study at home. To what extend do you agree or disagree?
It is commonly seen that students are educated at
home through sources from the Internet internet source instead of taking a class at schools. I strongly
agree with this opinion (this opinion 이라고 하셨는데, 앞에는 의견이 따로 없습니다. 그저 현상만 있을 뿐이죠. 현재 논점은, 과연 학교가 필요한지 그렇지 않은지를 토의하는 것이므로, 앞 문장에서 이걸 반영할 수 있어야 합니다. 그렇지 않고 지금처럼 작성할 경우 그냥 문장을 암기했다고 간주하고 바로 감점만 들어가고요.) as I think that students should go to schools.
To begin with, learners can do study at home through
the internet. First and foremost, it is an opportunity to improve student own
self. Almost schools in many countries, there provide certain ready-made curriculum,
session, book and time so that people who are educated at schools do not change
whatever. However, if a student study at home through the internet, it allows
to choose their all kinds of that, in this process they can develop their independence,
interests and so on. Secondly, it is possible to save their time and money. In
this reason, some students who live in isolated location or poor transport,
they had to travel long distance to take a class at schools. If students take
classes at home, they can optimize their time of moving. (이 문단의 경우 바로 전에 작성해주신 task 2 와 똑같은 논지에서의 삭제로 보시면 됩니다.)
However, schools are must necessary place to
students. First of all, it is an important place in that it helps children develop their relationships important to develop relationship to children. There
are a various people like operation, quality and age. (여기는 댓글 한번 주세요!) It can be a foundation, and they can develop their relationship as well as learn how to deal with people who are is different
with them from those that experiences. Moreover, it is possible that direct communication is another advantage that only schools have.
When students study at schools, they can receive information and feedback
immediately. Thus, it assists to encourage effective education for students.
In conclusion, although students can study without schools, schools help learners not only in education but also in a lot of sides.
총평: (5/5/6/5) 5.5
일단 철자 문제가 없었다는 점은 매우 긍정적이네요.
허나, 서론에서 저런 문제가 생길 경우 정말 치명적으로 작용하므로 반드시 수정해주셔야 합니다. 만약에 저 부분이 왜 문제가 되는지 모르신다면, 적어주신 원문을 그대로 한국어로 해석해서 읽어보시면 바로 파악할 수 있을 거에요. 본론 첫 번째 문단의 경우 학교를 긍정하는 또다른 근거로 채워주시면 되고요. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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