Some people argue that arts, such as
paintings and music, are a waste of money and the government should spend this
money on other public services.
To what extent do you agree or disagree
with this statement?
As the economic situations
internationally have been becoming worse, people tend not to have enough time
to appreciate the artworks and music concerts with a generous mind and stable
mentality. Reflecting upon the current conditions in the public, some people are
unlikely to agree with the investments in arts. However, I strongly believe
that music and painting have strongly a positive impact on people overall for
two reasons as follows.
The opponents argue that governments
should invest their budgets on another public sector, especially the public health
care. They might say that one of the most urgent issues in the contemporary
societies is that people are suffering from their mental healthiness. For example,
over half of the people have experienced depression or mental disorders, which have
high possibilities to commit suicides. From this perspective, budgets on health
care seem reasonable. (이 문단에 대해서는 총평에서 링크를 하나 넣어드리겠습니다.)
However, if you (2인칭은 기본적으로 구어의 요소를 갖추고 있기 때문에 사용하지 않는 게 좋습니다. 5~6점 목표로 하시는 분들의 경우 이게 그렇게 중요한 사항은 아니고, 더 우선적으로 해결해야 할 것들이 많아서 제가 권장 정도만 드리는 편이지만, peraproject 님의 경우 7점이 필요하다고 하셨으니까 강제의 의미로 말씀드릴게요. 2인칭은 쓰지 마세요!) think further, it (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상을 대명사로 작성해서는 안 됩니다.) can
not be fundamental solutions to cure that mental illness or decrease the
percentages of committing suicides to make society healthier. The essential
reason why people have those mental problems is that they do not have enough
chances to let off their steam in everyday lives. If the governments render
people to be exposed to the arts more, people can easily have more stable mentality
by appreciating arts. To be specific, building more museums, free admissions to
art exhibitions or music concerts, or even painting workshops and classes can
be feasible ways of relieving their stress. Since Through participating in emotionally valuable
experiences, the public reflects on their lives in a wise, intellectual way so
that society will be much better and healthier.
In conclusion, I believe that the budges on arts sector is more important than other public services. (이유를 요약해주세요~그래야 결론이 제대로 된 의미를 가집니다.)
총평: (5/5/7/7) 6.0
이번 글의 경우도, 문법이 이정도는 되어야 합니다. 그래야 어느정도 승부를 볼 수 있으므로 이정도는 유지해주시고, 그럴 일은 없겠지만 지금 문장들 중 일부를 그냥 모범답안에서 필사해오신 거면, 그래서는 전혀 전혀 도움이 안 되니까 주의해주시고, 무에서 그대로 창조하신 거면, 아주 좋습니다. 계속 이정도는 써주세요!
본론 첫 번째 문단의 경우 예술에 대한 투자를 긍정하는 문단으로 바꿔주시면 되는데, 밑의 링크를 정독해주시면 되겠습니다.
https://www.gohackers.com/?c=ielts/ielts_info2/ielts_method&type=url&uid=471212undefined
+본론 두 번째 문단에서, 핵심은 예술이 어떻게 감정 해소에 도움이 되는지를 적는 것입니다. 예술의 '어떠한 측면'이 심적인 안정을 가져다주는지에 대해 한 줄 정도를 작성하면 되겠죠. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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