These days many families move to other countries for work. Some people believe that the children in these families benefit from this move. However, others believe that it makes life more difficult for the children. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
One of the major concern of parents is where is the most suitable learning the place for their children is suitable to learning environment for my children. As the result, they often
decide to move to another region. (다른 지역이 아니라 다른 나라로 구체화해주셔야 합니다.) Some people it really helpful to children, whereas
other people argue that migrations cause to confuse confusion to young people. In the following, both Both views
will be discussed but and I think the latter view is more persuasive.
To begin with there are some reasons why cities are
preferable area to parents. Along with the advent of tremendous technology,
governments started to establish capital and metropolis that located near the capital.
Due to this fact, it can be seen the gap between cities and country sides like quality
of welfare system and public facilities even school. For this reason, a good
number of people believe desire to live the big city relatively in order to
enjoy that. (부모에게 어떤지는 논의의 대상이 아닙니다.)
The phenomenon that migration other city (여기의 경우도, 도시가 아니라 타 국가입니다. 이에 맞춰 이어지는 내용도 살짝 수정해주세요~) has an advantageous
influence on young people. It is important to the life of children that they can experience
as much things as possible and then these diverse experiences such as meeting different
kinds of people in new place can become a foundation that would be of help helped in the
future. For example, they can learn how to make a new social network in the
process of making make friends in new high schools.
However, children can suffer from some problems because
of migration. When they move to a new area, they had to adjust new place, friends
and people. Of course, there are some children who have good ability of
adaptation but plenty of young students are seen to reject schools of some actions like
school refusal. It is mainly because, psychologically the sense of security is
essential to young people. In other words, they are still immature so that facing face
to some strange situations are quite difficult.
In conclusion, although it (이게 뭘 지칭하는지를 정확히 밝혀주셔야 합니다. 절대로 문단에 처음 등장하는 대상을 대명사로 쓰지 않도록 해주세요!) able to build some experience, it make to encounter unrest condition psychologically from migration to the new area.
총평: (5/6/6/5) 5.5
두/세 번째 문단이 각각 전부/일부 논점에서 새고 있으니까 주의해주셔야 합니다. 임의로 논제를 해석하지 않도록 해주세요!
또한 어순이 불필요하게 꼬이는 경우가 많은데, 저는 글을 직접 쓰시는 과정을 보지 못해서 뭐가 원인인지 진단할 수는 없지만, 만약에 복잡한 문장 쓰려고 욕심내다가 그런 것 같다면 그럴 필요 진짜 없으니까 무조건 정확성 하나에만 초점을 두고 진행해주시고, 그게 아니라 만약에 한국어로 먼저 문장을 만든 다음에 그걸 영어로 해석하는 식으로 작성하신 거면, 그 역시 권장드리지 않습니다. 당장은 조금 어렵더라도 바로 영어로 튀어나올 수 있게 만들어주시는 게 좋아요. 사실 6.0, 5.5 정도만 필요하신 거면 윗 내용들은 그렇게 중요하지 않지만, 6.5이상이 필요하다고 하셨으니까 말씀드립니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
총 글자수:319자
총 소요시간:45분
쓰다보니까 바디가 3개로 나눠지고,300자 넘게 써버렸네요,,ㅎ