Some people think parents should supervise their children’s activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
One of the major concerns of parents is that they can take part closely in children’s play to some extent. (이 문장의 경우 문법상의 문제는 없는데, 다른 이유로 수정이 필요하니 댓글 한번 주세요!) In this regard, some people argue that parents should participate in that for their children’s safety, whereas other say that this behavior rather has have a negative effect on children. Both views will be discussed in this essay, but and I think the latter view is more persuasive. (and 가 아닌 but 이 오는 이유는, '비록 두 입장 모두 다뤄질 것이지만, 나는 ~가 더 설득력있다고 생각한다.' 라는 문장에서 '비록/만' 의 의미를 담기 위함으로 보시면 됩니다.)
To begin with, children needs some protectors for safety reasons during while they do some activities. It has been observed that a good number of toys and the place of play has been tremendously developing in order to promote brains of young people compared to the past. Notwithstanding, there are some potential risk factors which could cause harm to children everywhere such as some edge of the box, beads and screws of slide. Thus, people should be involved in the activities of children because they try to pull some dangerous things apart from their children as possible as much. Even, the case of that if children are younger, parents had to offer some safety precautions directly. (여기도 댓글 주세요!)
However, there are more advantageous advantages in the respect of giving children freedom without the assistance of parents. First of all, the parts of young people’s brain receive strong stimulation stimulate and more secrets some activation materials such as adrenaline that is useful to the brains when youngsters do something spontaneously like pile up blocks. (문법은 piling 이 맞는데, 그걸 떠나서 이게 어떻게 freedom 과 관련되어있는지를 적어주셔야합니다.) Secondly, parents should give some opportunities that solve the problems by young people oneself. If people interfere in their own activities, children might receive some guides and solutions or they do not follow the process of their think thoughts and have with a high chance to be passive passivity.
In conclusion, although there are some dangerous things thigs, parents provide proper circumstances that children face some issues for their ingenuity and independent. (여기도 댓글 주세요!)
총 글자수:295자
총 소요시간:40분
총평: (6/5/6/5) 5.5
의미 파악이 안 되는 문장들이 꽤 많은지라 CC에까지 영향을 주는 상황이므로 해당 문장들은 댓글 주시고, children 의 경우 동의어가 많으니까 잘 활용해주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)
+다음 글에서 1. 다음 시험이 언제인지, 2. 최종적으로 언제까지 6.5 를 받으셔야하는지, 3. 현재 문법 공부를 어떻게 얼마나 하고 계신지를 적어서 알려주시면 감사하겠습니다!