▶ Your Answer :
According to the last research on the population in South
Korea, the density of people in Seoul, the capital city is about 16,000/km2
>>the density of people in the capital city, Seoul, is about 16,000km2 ,and 10 million habitants are residing in Seoul out of 50 million of the total
population >> a fifth of total people are residing in the city, which is about 10 million >> 더 깔끔하게 쓸 수 있을 듯 싶습니다. This trend is not unusual >> not을 빼주세요 around the world, I think, because people
inhabit in big cities for many reasons,>>콤마 넣어주세요 which help to improve their quality of
life.>> 어떻게 improve를 해주는지 서론에선 의문이 없게 글을 쓰셔야 합니다 의문이 없으려면 어떤 방향으로 글을 쓸 지에 대해서만 간결하고 명료하게 제시하시면 됩니다
The reasons are probably differ from individual to
individual, but it can be summarized for 3>> 10 이하의 숫자는 영어로 적어주시는게 좋습니다 main reasons such as medical services,
education and>> 나열의 마지막은 항상 and여야 합니다 convenience. An urban area has a number of hospitals and clinics
with high accessibility. Despite of critical conditions, patients can arrive at
a large hospital in a few minutes through contacting with an emergency service.
The members of rural areas could receive this service in their places, though it
would be slower than cities. Since medical accessibility is directed to people's lives, the drift to
developed areas is continuing.
Secondly, with being weighty on college entrance for
student's future and their pathway, lots of parents want their children to
acquire higher education in huge cities. Even if it has not been proved the
correlation between the education in an urban area and the rate of university
attendance, the trend of the movement is still noticeable. For instance, some
pupils even go to advanced cities alone without their family.>> 예시가 너무 덩그러니 짧게 나와 있네요 The last factor
is convenience. In an urban area, we can find easily some modern complexes, which provide
many kinds of goods and facilities - accommodation, grocery and>> 역시 나열의 마지막은 and로 해주세요 communication
centre - as well. In addition, a public transportation also has an influence on a
usability of citizens.
In conclusion, habitants are crowded in capital areas to
gratify their desires regarding health, schooling and expediency. With going
one step forward, to decrease this excess population, the>> government는 항상 the와 다닙니다 government needs to
invest countryside area for balanced developments around a nation. 예시가 짧은 것과 서론에서의 오류가 있었지만 단어가 좋았습니다 문법은 쉬운 것들에 오류가 있으니 금방 고쳐질거라 생각됩니다 수고하셨습니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 7 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.5 예상합니다
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