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Big
cities are mostly located in developed countries. Cities like such as New York, London,
Tokyo, and Seoul are considered as big cities. As economy develops,>> 콤마 꼭 넣어주세요 전치사, 부사, 접속사 등이 문두로 오면 콤마를 넣어줘야합니다 people tend
to relocate themselves from countryside to big cities. The growth of cities are
largely affected by increment of business and industry. This means demand for
labor increases. As this growth happens, cities will tend to grow larger even up
to overpopulation>> 비교급이 나오면 than이 나와야합니다.
Big
cities means larger market. Larger market>> 앞에 언급됐으니 중복을 피하기 위해 The areas tends to draw people in who are
looking for opportunities in. Larger Extending the market is illustrates there are more chance of
selling a product or service to others. People move into 붙여써주세요 big cities for more
opportunities. In larger cities,>> 콤마 필수입니다 people specialize this is footstep>> 붙여써주세요 development가 더 좋겠네요 of
economies of scale scale of economy, which provides a better standard of living. As the cities gets 우선 단수동사인 s 가 붙지 않구요 get은 너무 많은 뜻을 가진 단어로 어휘력을 낮춰보이게 할 수 있습니다 become 정도로 써주세요 big,
the more people will want to move to cities. This is also known as “Network
Effect”.
People move in to big cities for better standard
of living. >> 이미 앞에 언급된 내용으로 똑같이 쓰시면 좋지 않습니다 Big cities provide convenience for people. It can cause “Network
Effect” and which will cause cities to grow up to overpopulation. This phenomenon
can be easily solved by the government. Regulation can be made in order to foster
other big cities in different areas. Sejong Special City in Korea is an example
for preventing from being overpopulated in Seoul. The Korean government moved administrative
department to Choongnam and named it as Sejong Special City. As a conclusion,
overpopulation can be prevented by governmental regulation.
결론은 전체적인 글을 끝맺는 장치를 하는 요소입니다 하지만 이 글에선 본론에서 새로운 관점을 다시 제시하는 면에서 본론의 성격을 띄어서 적절치 않았다 싶습니다 하지만 경제적인 측면의 용어인 standard of living 과 Network Effect는 좋았습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다
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