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It is true that Nowadays, modern people are concerning about their health a lot with the due to rapid development of society >> 사회의 발전에 의해 그랬단 얘긴 문제에 있지 않습니다 범위를 서론부터 한정시키지 말아주시길 바랍니다. Although There will undoubtedly be undoubtedly some negative consequences of this trend, >> 지워주세요 societies can take steps to mitigate this potential problem. >> 서론에선 질문을 유도하는 글이 있어선 안 됩니다 예를 들면 먼저 썼던 부분에서 negative consequences 가 있는데 그게 뭔가요? 하는 식의 질문이요
To begin with, as societies have developed, people have had to compete with each other to be survived in the society where they belong, so that they have no much time to take care of themselves. The main reason of this issue is that most people have a lack of exercise. As socities have been developed, they have no much time to take care of themselves. For example, people normally sit on their chairs over 6 to 7 hours a day and work with PCs. It can cause some specific diseases related to spinal, eye optical, or diabetic problems. Secondly, people are likely to have just fast food or junk food rather than high quality meal as they have not enough time to eat good food, so that people could be exposed on high risk of bad health situation. Lastly, a lack of sleep would be another reason for people to make them concerned. >> 본문 하나엔 하나의 주장만입니다
Otherwise, there are several actions that governments and employers could take measures to solve the problem described above. Firstly, a simple solution would be to encourage people do exercise by installing gyms in workplaces. >> 한 단어입니다 Companies and other organizations could have more productive workers if they invest for their employees. A second measure would be for employers to have some a canteen in their companies, so that people do not need to go out to have lunch at fast food restaurants such as McDonald’s. As a result of this, people cannot >> cannot 은 한 단어입니다 only have a good quality of food, but also save their time for lunch. Finally, people can keep their body if they can have flexible commuting time. Every person has got their own rhythm of life, so . If they can work which depends on their rhythm of their life, they could produce more productive goods or ideas such as google. One of the best companies, Google, can be an example of it.
In conclusion, various measures can be taken to tackle the problem that is certain to arise as the societies improve faster shows an unhealthy trend of this world.
(348 words, took 40 minutes)
각 문단 첫 줄은 한 칸 들여쓰고 진행해주시길 바랍니다 위에 제가 지운 부분 빼면 단어수는 약 298 자 정도입니다 서론을 좀 더 신경써주셔야 글 전체가 바로 잡히니 봐주시구요 본문 하나엔 확실히 하나 잡아주시구요 그에 관련된 해결법이면 더욱 좋겠습니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |