▶ Your Answer : In this globalised era, the subject of the world becoming similar would indeed smack into headlines stands out. From this aspect, a controversial question is raised about whether or not people concern that similarity of the world will trigger entire loss of cultural identity>> will은 어디에 대한 동사인가요? . Personally, I firmly believe that national heritage and tourism industry will have detrimental effects.>> 마지막 줄 제가 알려드리기 쉽게 쓰셨습니다 보시면 national heritage 와 tourism industry 가 제시됐습니다 밑에 본론 보시면 이 두개가 각각 하나의 본문을 맡고 있죠? 그러면 그 두개를 묶을 만한 큰 범위가 서론에 제시돼야 합니다 국가 유산이나 여행산업의 공통점이 뭘까요? 이 둘을 만족시킬 범위의 말을 서론에 제시하는 것 그게 좋은 에세이입니다 그치만 어렵죠 그 둘의 공통점을 끌어내기가 혹은 어떤 공통점을 가지고 있는 두 주장을 끌어내기가 어렵죠 그게 라이팅이 어려운 점입니다 그 끌어내는 과정이 빨라지면 글은 그만큼 발전합니다
To begin with, cultural heritage will be less valuable with identical consciousness. It is because if every country had the same culture, then people could be careless about preserving their own cultures and regard them as less important. For example, some intangible heritage such as a Korean traditional play folk song, called 'Arilang', has its specialty uniqueness of existing at only one place around the world. This cultural resource is will no longer to maintain if the world extensively looks extensively alike.
Furthermore, tourism industry will suffer . The main reason is that the number of travellers may decrease >> tourism industry will suffer from th decrasing number of travellers. As a brief illustration, travelling overseas can be a futile choice for the people any visitors because every place would not be new for them. >> for example? 예시가 필요하겠네요 Therefore, tourism companies will loss competitiveness in the industrial world.
Nonetheless, some assert that there will be less misunderstanding between nations. In order to communicate with foreigners, awareness of their culture enhances communication without receiving any culture shock. Thus, the conflict may reduce when nations open sufficient conference >> 날려주세요 전개 구조도 좋지 않고 이 분량만큼 문단 3에 예시나 설명 덧붙여주세요.
To recapitulate, although similarity of the world may comfort individuals to communicate, it is undeniable that the damage for national heritage and tourism industry will be enormous.
각 문단 첫 문장 한 칸 들여써주세요 다소 결론에서 내용이 약하고 서론에서도 전체 범위를 잘못 잡아주고 했네요 모두 잘 맞춰주세요 글자수가 모자랍니다
Task Achievement - 4 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
5.5 예상합니다 |