As countries have developed there has been a trend towards smaller family sizes. Why does this happen? How does this affect society?
Recently, more and more families prefer to have fewer children as their nations have become richer.>> 너무 비약적입니다 나라가 부자가 된다고 아이들을 적게 가지려고 한다? 저라면 나라의 발달이 가족 구성원의 수가 감소하는 이유로 대두되고 있다 이런 식으로 풀어나가겠스비다In this essay, I am going to will explore the reasons for this trend and the impacts that it would have on their these societies.
To begin with, the increase of the entry increasing participation of women in public affairs causes a low birth rate. This is mainly because the improved social status of women makes them seriously difficult to have many babies. >> 여성들의 사회적 지위가 올라갔기 때문에 아이를 돌보는 역할에만 치중하지 않는다 정도가 더 좋을 듯 싶습니다 For example, parenting is not easy also for female employees in South Korea because of the poor child-care policy of most companies although the country is technologically and economically advanced in the world. Also, >> 문두에 also so and or but 을 쓰지 않습니다 the number of rose obstetrics and gynecological clinics or the distribution of free contraception makes couples it possible for couples to control birth. Consequently, adults living in developed nations are able to decide their family size, which is almost impractical in developing countries >> 이 내용을 뒷받침 할 설명이나 예시는 없었으니 그냥 삭제해주는게 좋겠습니다. >> 설명 부분에선 여성의 사회적 지위가 올라가서 많은 아이들을 가지는 것이 상당히 어려워졌다고 했으니 예시에선 여성들은 단순히 아이만 낳으려 하지 않는다 발달된 부인학과 조산술 (조산술이 영향을 미칠까는 의구심이 드네요) 또는 자유로운 피임으로 가족의 사이즈는 줄일 수 있다 정도로 구성해주시는게 더 좋을 것 같습니다
In addition On the other hand, it would will have some positive influences on the society if family size would becomes small. Firstly, the rate of environmental contamination could be decreased drastically.>> environmental contamination could be decreased from the small number of family members per household. 이런 식으로 주장을 구성하시고 설명, 예시 넣는게 더 좋을 듯 싶습니다 The chief reason is that the use of a large number of machines and vehicles emitting CO2 or many other fumes, which cause pollution, would be increased as population rises. Secondly, unlike large family, parents in nuclear family units do not have to spend huge amounts of expenditure to educate their child, resulting in saving much more money in a household. >> 밑줄 친 부분은 삭제해주세요 effect도 주장을 구성하는 식으로 해주세요 In this way the community would be likely to experience an educational cost-cutting effect.
In conclusion, controlling birth makes females to have fewer children, which could cause less environmental issues and the reduction of educational spending in the future.
우선 본문에 나오는 아이디어들이 좋습니다 그치만 다듬어지거나 제대로 논리가 확연하게 잘 구성되지만은 않았습니다 손 볼 곳들이 있습니다 위에 참고해주시면 감사하겠습니다 더욱 확고한 6.5를 만들어보시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 6
Coherence and Cohesion - 6
Lexical Resource - 7
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.5 예상합니다