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There has been a consistent controversy over the attitude of or to people who visit other countries. Some people argue that the visitors should follow the local traditions culture , >> 반면에라는 뜻을 가진 while 앞엔 콤마가 붙습니다 while other people object that the local people native people should be shown show hospitality to the travelers. I will discuss the both views and suggest my opinion>> 명확하게 본인이 제시할 의견을 써주세요.
“Following local traditional custom can be appropriate opportunity to learn other countries culture”,some people said. >> 아카데믹한 글에선 인용구, 속담 등은 쓰지 않습니다 First of all, as visitors emulate the strange culture, they visitors can experience the different perceptions of the other regions by struggling to follow local manners >> 뒤에 설명이 없습니다 바로 예시가 나오네요. For instance, some people travel to the remote regions such as primeval villages in the African continent to be educated learn their the natives' indigenous behaviors. From this experience, they normally could grasp the other another perception or behavior as long as they participate are surrounded in the other region`s a strange custom.
However Otherwise, the other people argue that the visitors should be hospitalized by visited place`s people local inhabitants should greet tourists. In order to render the visitors to have better impression to the visitors, the local people host people should respect the guests` own habits. For example, although an Indian visitor who uses a hand to eat might feel uncomfortable, provided the local people impose him or her to use spoon when they have a meal the residents should not give the foreinger a spoon or chopsticks. As clearly seen from this example, the indigenous aboriginal people should acknowledge for others' strange behaviors or their thinking cultures.
In my opinion, however, the travelers should endeavor to absorb the country`s culture, when they visit some different countries,>> 콤마 빼주세요 because it is an obviously special opportunity to come in contact with other cultures' customs. Some people tend to be so conservative to acknowledge other unfamiliar conventions and, therfore, they always make other country`s people feel uneasy. I believe that this behavior>>?? should be eliminated and people should be open-minded.
In conclusion, it might be plausible that people of a host country have to show their respect to the visitors` overseas cultures. However, definitely, it is a proper chance to learn different customs and cultures, therefore >> therefore는 문장을 이어주는 접속사 기능이 없습니다 부사입니다, visitors should follow the local rules.
문법적 오류도 많고 구두점 문제, 같은 단어들의 반복들이 꽤 많았습니다 In my opinion 부분 통째로 삭제하셔도 257자로 250자 넘습니다 그만큼 글을 많이 쓰셨습니다 both views 를 언급하라고 했나요? 테스크엔 없지만 in my opinion을 따로 작성한걸 봐선 both views 와 opinion을 제시하라고 한 것 같네요 opinion이 굳이 저렇게 따로 나올 필요가 없고 본문에 주장은 테스크에서 원하는대로 both views 를 다루되 설명, 예시를 본인 걸로 가져가면 됩니다 혹은 아예 both views에서 주장을 본인의 생각으로 양 쪽 의견을 하나씩 다루는 주장을 내세울 수 있구요 그리고나서 결론에서 이러이러하고 이러이러하다 해서 의견을 따로 정리할 수도 있구요 이게 효율적인 글쓰기가 되겠습니다 서론에서도부터 본인의 포인트가 명확히 드러나지 않았습니다 서론에선 최대한 this point, this view 이런 말이 아닌 본인의 생각을 말로 늘여서 표현해주세요 문법 실수가 적어보이지만 관사, 수일치에서 결론 부분만 해도 약 6개 가량이 틀렸습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.5 예상합니다
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