▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, there are much more over-weighted people than the past. Unfortunately, as their weight is getting higher, their life style is being ruined.
There are always causes: for this issue, causes are fast foods and development of technology. First of all, since fast foods appeared to the world people started enjoying them by time, taste, and portable-ness, and they did not know how it would affect badly in the future. As much as it is produced, fat in fast foods starts occupying a part in consumers’ bodies. Second, development of technology is holding makes people stay at home. Today, technology does all kind of business instead of on behalf of human. People do not have to go out to pay 무엇을?, shop, and eat. Developed technology stops people to from going out move. Consequently, people stay at home, move their fingers, and accomplish everything except for their health.
To solve this problem, people can use technology. On smart phone, they can install an application, (comma) like “health manager” helping them regulate ? 어색 their activity and time. From my experience, I have actually seen a friend lost weight by that kind of application. And then she recommended me to do it (대명사 사용주의, 상당히 애매한 표현 do it?? use the application?) because it is not only helpful to for obeseity people but also to for heathy life style. In addition, over-weighted people can search for videos, (comma) like aerobic and stretching on YouTube or other web-sites for their active physical exercises. Since there are people who do not really know how to start exercising, there are so many exercises step by step waiting for them on the internet. In fact, I have learned cardiovascular exercise by the video on YouTube in Fitness class at school. And Also, (and를 접속사로 사용 X) people in those videos are pretty professional.
Though new products, (comma) such as fast foods and developed technology are destroying today’s people's health today, they can overcome this health problem by using technology, such as a DVD of physical exercising and an their own health manager.
SCORE: 5.5-6
Comment: 사소한 실수들과 어색한 단어들이 있습니다. 수정하신다면 더 좋은 에세이가 되겠습니다. |