▶ Your Answer :
Many people believe that imprisonment is
the ideal method to decrease crime in the society. To some extent, I agree with
it. However, I think that education is a better long-term solution. There are
two reasons why I believe so. <(1인친 사용을 최대한 피해주시는게 좋습니다/can improve)
First of all, a prison is a place where a
criminal can learn many kinds of crime. In other words, imprisonment can help
criminals commit more serious crimes after they are released from a prison. For
example, there was an interview with young prisoners who were already jailed
once before in a Korean documentary. Most of them told that they used a method
which they learned from another prisoner for the previous imprisonment after
they were out of the prison. <(헷갈리게 들립니다. rewording 하시는 것을 추천합니다. 글쓴이가 반영하고자 하는 내용을 전달이 안되고 있습니다) Unless they are educated well, they will be more
dangerous criminals through repetitive imprisonments.
Secondly, it<(what is it?) needs too much budget. Even
though many countries have built more prisons than before, the crime rate in
the world has not decreased, but has been increasing. Therefore, on with a long-term
view, teaching people not to harm other people is more effective use of money
than imprisonment. For instance, if young poor children are cared well by a
government, the chances of their crime could be decreased. However, if they are
not, they may steal food or money, then they may acquire other types of crime
methods during their imprisonments as I mentioned above.<(need to elaborate. does not sound too persuasive. what do you mean by cared well?)
To sum up, although prison can hold
criminals to not to summit more crimes for some periods, it could be a place to
learn more serious crime methods for prisoners. Also, while many countries have
built many prisons, the crime rate has not decreased. However, if people are
educated and cared well since early years, the chances to summit crimes could
be decreased. Therefore, education is a more effective and economic method to
decrease crime than building prisons and strengthening punishment from a long-term
point of view. <(Can improve.) Score: 6.5 Comment: 전체적으로 coherence가 조금 떨어 집니다. 조금 더 문장별 내용 연결고리를 강화시켜주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 크게 문제가 되는 곳들이 없습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 주로 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |