▶ Your Answer : Some people concur that the nuclear
family’s frequent moving is beneficial to their children because the children
have experience with new people, and that would help the children be
socialized. However, it affects negatively to the children because by moving
frequently, children experience farewells to people, and they feel less
comfortableness.
Children are fragile, which means, they are
easily hurt with minor experiences. If they move frequently during their
childhood, that would affect their mental or socialization problems. Meeting
new people, and leaving at the moment when they adapt to the new place, and
this cycle can make the children to meet new people in the futures or in the
other places.<(confusing.이해가 잘 안되는 문장입니다. 내용을 정리해서 rewording하시는 것을 추천합니다) For example, a friend of the writer <(what writer?), has moved her home about
once a year for ten (숫자 1~10은 글로 써주셔야합니다) 10 years, because of her father’s job. She says that it was too
tough to a young child to adapt to new places and strangers. <(topic sentence에서는 아이가 쉽게 다친다고 해주셨기 때문에 reader는 문단의 내용이 아이가 어떻게 다칠수 있는지 에대해 expect할실 것 입니다) (Need better transition)
Frequent moving not only brings mental
shock, but also makes the children to be nervous too. For all people, especially
children, it is important the children recognize their home as a safe and
comfortable place. However, if they move repeatedly, children would not think
their house as a convenient place, because as they move to a the new place, as
all the things around them would be unfamiliar.
Consequently, frequent moving geographically
in nuclear family sized, is harmful to the children, because it could lead even
to the children’s future socialization and communication with other people, <(not a complete clause.아이 미래의 다른 사람과 의사소통 그리고 사회화에 이어진다 라고 하고 계시는데의미 가 clear하지 않습니다. 다른 말로는 왜 다른사람들과 의사소통하고 사회화하는 길로 가게 되는데 이게 왜 단점인지 잘 모르겠습니다)) which means that the children would be afraid of meeting new friends or even
other people.
Score: 5 Comment: 내용정리가 더 필요한 글 입니다. 의미 전달이 잘 안되거나 정확히 무엇을 이야기 하시는지 잘 모르겠습니다. clarity 와 specificity에 신경을 조금 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 문단의 topic sentence과 내용이 매칭이 잘 되어야 합니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |