▶ Your Answer :
There is are an increasing number of house
husbands taking care of children as well as working mothers. The main reason
for this trend is probably due to changes in work style; changed from
labor-intensive to office styles. It is believed that this trend has brought a
positive development to our society. <(글쓴이의 주장이 clear하지 않습니다. it is believed라는 표현은 일반적으로 사람들은 이렇게 생각한다~ 라는 의미를 가지고 있습니다)
The main reason for the fathers to take
care of children at home is that, the use of labour to earn money is gone.
Since the industrialization, the number of female’s position has increased and
the power of women grew everyday. More employment opportunities for females to
work at the company, causes makes the lesser time to take care of children. The
majority of male’s position was based on physical labour work but the
incremental use of technology to replace the labour work have been decreased
the men’s opportunity. Instead, the number of office work has increased is more
suitable for the women.<(unclear sentence) The development of technology has covered a various
labour industries, which threatens the physical labour workers. As a result of
this development, the men’s position is no longer be available. Therefore, the
more men are becoming a house husband taking care of children. <(Clarity가 조금 떨어지는 문단입니다)
I think this trend is a positive
development according to the psychology magazine, the children, who have played
with their father, showed the improvement in their emotional intelligence
skills than those who did not play with their fathers.<(unclear/run-on sentence) The improvement in children’s emotional
intelligence enables children to control their emotions. Furthermore, emotions
are highly correlated with critical thinking; which is good for children’s
motion and math skills. <Need better coherence/cohesion> The society is becoming a relationship based and globalized.
The communication skills are one of the women’s talents that can be used
effectively in this modernized society. These skills help the corporation to
expand its size by interacting with each other more widely and globally. Therefore,
the growing number of career women in the society is a positive development. <(Unity/연결성이 조금 떨어지는 문단입니다)
In conclusion, despite several reasons for the increasing trend of house husbands and working wives, the modification in
working styles are the foremost consideration for this trend. This trend has
brought benefits a beneficial to children as well as to corporations.
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 fair한데 organization/clarity가 조금 더 필요합니다. 또한 이 에세이도 조금 wordy하게 들립니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |