▶ Your Answer :
People
have mixed opinions on whether or not it is beneficial for children to have
many toys compared to they did in the past. Some assert that it is an inevitable
phenomenon in contemporary society. In regards to this issue, there are a few
positive effects having many toys for children in terms of joyful education
that can be achieved and the development of independence. However, I believe it
also has a number of drawbacks affecting the development of their creativity or
human relationships.
To begin
with, many companies offer a diverse range of educational toys, which can help
children’s early development. It means that children can learn something while
they are simply playing with toys. For example, children would be able to gain a
musical sense with the toy version of musical instruments. On top of that,
children can easily learn to play by themselves with toys and it helps them to
develop their independence. Thus, it is true that having toys gives some
educational effects to preschool children.
On the
other hand, spending too much time playing with toys may affect children’s
creativity development. Childhood should be a time to broaden their horizon by
exploring the world. In this regard, having a number of toys has have a possibility
to reduce a chance to look around the nature or building human relationships
with families or their peers. <(why?) Therefore, it is evident that children who are
occupied by toys may lose the opportunity to develop the important capabilities
that can mostly be achieved at an early age. <(이 문단은 creativity에 대해서만 서술을 해주신 것 같습니다. building relationship을 왜 creativity가 develop을 못하는지에 대한 이유와 함께 오기 때문에 building relationship은 다름 capability처럼 보이지 않습니다. 내용 정리를 조금 더 하시는 것을 추천합니다) In
summary, despite the main advantages of having numerous toys, the development
of independence and some educational effects, the disadvantages outweigh its
positive counterparts as children may miss the most crucial period to develop
their creativity and human relationships. That is, parents should consider the
potential drawbacks of buying them too many toys because childhood will affect
on their children’s lives positively and negatively for good.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 질문에 대한 답은 좋다고 생각합니다. 세 번째 문단 내용을 조금 더 정리를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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