▶ Your Answer : Nowadays, the internet has become becomes one of the most used technology around the world. However, some people argue that there are more disadvantages than benefits of the internet. This essay will discuss the benefits that internet brought us. <(글쓴이의 주장이 보이지 않으며 주제가 broad하게 들립니다. 일반적인 인터넷의 장/단점이 아니라 인터넷에서 자료/information 찻기에 대한 장/단점입니다.)
The internet has more benefits than disadvantages because it gives us accessibility to search tons of information than before. Before the invention of the internet computer, knowledge was only for novel people such as royal family. All the information was written in the books that were above normal people's budget to purchase. So it was impossible for farmers to pick up knowledge. However, time passed, and due to the development of technology, information is accessible for a larger part of society to enjoy. are not hidden for 1% people but also possible for the majority of people to access and enjoy. <(과거에는 왜 information이 accessible하지 않았는지 보다는 어떻게 internet이 information을 더 accessible하게 했는지에 대해 focus를 더 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.)
Also, the internet broadens people's outlook. This is because the internet gives us a place to exchange other people's opinions. Through this online debate, we can acknowledge existence of different opinions and expropriate <(expropriate what?/문맥상 expropriate는 어울리는 단어가 아니라고 생각합니다) , become an open-minded person. For instance, one survey made in Korea illustrated that about 65% of people from 20 to 50 years old experienced new point of view which broadened their outlook through the internet. Therefore, the internet can provide us the new views which can widen person's view of the world.
In conclusion, despite the fact that the internet can give useless and harmful information <(not mentioned), it still gives us plenty of advantages.
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 introduction에서 글쓴이의 주장이 clear하지 않게 들립니다. 또한 에세이 안에서 mention이 되지 않은 내용을conclusion에선 주시는 것 좋지 않습니다. 문법상 specificity/시제/collocation에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |