▶ Your Answer :
All the expenditures to be held for the
national celebrations will be managed by the government. Some people claims
that the government spends too much money on it, but I believe that, it is a the
necessary spending.
Since national celebrations (New Year's
Eve, Christmas, Independent days and memorial days) can hold of the nation's
history and customs, those events should be treated specially. This event can
be seen as a wedding and individual's celebrations. Like Weddings and people's
birthdays occur only once a year, and these holidays could be considered as the nation's
birthday. Also, many other celebrations can be occurred for the nations.<(so what? why is important?)(Need better coherence) The
Independence Days can be used to celebrate, while Memorial Days can be sympathy
for all the soldiers.<(little unclear) By having a celebration or having sympathy, those
celebrations would families, friends and the nations to be the one.<(unclear) (national celebrations가 국가의 History and customs라는 점에 조금 더 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Further, by spending the money on to this these celebrations could increase the relative businesses. When the government holds
the national celebrations, the individual's spending increases to increase the
nation's economy. <Need better coherence> This celebration could be used as the pathway to the world
market by giving knowledge about the nation's customs, cultures and
environments.<(little unclear) This would increase the local customs as well as tourism and
related businesses.
(Need better transition)
Basically, those celebrations are held for
the entertainment purposes. <Need better coherence> Since those national holidays are usually performed
as the public holidays, people can relax on that day. While relaxing, people
will spend more money. This will increase the businesses and the economy.
In conclusion, the money spent for the national
celebrations cannot be seen as a the waste of money, because those celebrations
are meant for the relaxation and resulting in an increase of the economy.
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 좋으나 전체적으로 글 정리를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Clarity가 떨어지는 부분도 꽤 있으십니다. 또한 coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 조을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |