▶ Your Answer :
International exchange programmes had
become commercialised due to globalisation. The international exchange
programms would have provided the opportunity to broaden teenager's views while
the difficulty of adapting cultures is inevitable. However, I believe that the
international exchange programmes would have more benefits than that of
drawbacks.
The oversea visits are giving the
opportunities for broadening teenager's horizons by allowing them to experience a variety of
cultures, customs, languages and traditions. Experiencing those aspects
(cultures, customs, languages and traditions) may enable teenagers to make own
decisions and that could make them to be independent. Also, the teenagers would
be able to meet various country's friends by living in a new environment.
Meeting new friends and talking with people of various backgrounds backgrounded people can provide
the opportunities for the teenagers to learn about the self acknowledgement and
the enlightenment of their own cultures.
Despite all those benefits, the cultural
shocks and the difficulty to adapt a new environment are inevitable. Students going to a
completely different country, for instance travelling from an Asian to Western
country, may face the cultural shocks. Even if teenagers had studied beforehand
and experienced about new cultures digitally, the reality may be different from
the digital information. This could lead children to have a difficulty to adapt
a new environment and this could result a several psychological illness such as
isolation and homesickness.
However, I believe that cultural shocks and
psychological illnesses could be caused by weak mind and the fear to adapt to new
environments. Someone who has a problem to live in the new environments and new
culture, would be likely to have the adaptation problems in the future. <(이 두 문장이 전달하고자 하는 내용이 조금 unclear합니다)
Because international exchange programmes
could provide a wider opportunity for teenagers to get various knowledge about
the country and about finding themselves, thus the advantages outweigh the
disadvantages.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 일단 에세이의 질문이 clear하지 않습니다. 다만 서술해주신 내용상 advantages outweigh disadvantages 를 써주실려면 오히려 단점을 먼저 서술 해주시고 다음 문단과 transition을 "그럼에도 불구 하고 장점들이 더 많고 단점을 극복할수 있다" 라고 연결을 해주시면서 Body 2에 장점을 서술을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |