▶ Your Answer : Recently, it is believed that advertisements have been made in immoral and adverse manners. However, I believe those there are not the only ways of making advertisements but there are also helpful and mentally healthy ones.
To begin with, advertisements are generally made to draw people's attention to latest products or programs, and there are some advertising in on which it has bad effects. Firstly, many adverts tend to aim their marketing at children to be attracted, which means they are easily influenced by visual elements, thereby putting pressure on their parents. Secondly, advertisers intend to use glamorous or successful people and artificial effects to exaggerate. Finally, advertisers focus on selling a brand image. For example, a cosmetic brand 'CHANEL' is are regarded as a high quality and functional products manufacturer. It has used fascinating and luxurious women to maximize advertising effects too much. <(제시 해주시는 이유들이 크게 unethical하거나 unacceptable하게 드리지는 않습니다. 조금 더 이 이유들이 왜 unethical하거나 unacceptable한지 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 첫번째 예시의 경우는 광고는 불필요한 물건들도 사게 만들는게 그 광고들은 주로 아이들이 타겟 대상이다 라고 해주실 수 있습니다.)
However, advertising is an integral part of modern business. By showing them <(showing them what?), companies can inform customers about their products or they can use advertising as a creative industry that employs people. Without advertising, there would be higher unemployment and we would have less choices because we cannot find f=every company on foot in the world. Indeed, a website for job seekers, for example, show a vast amount of information about jobs in every region, so people can find those which fit people's ability.<(마지막 문장이 광고와는 조금 irrelevant하게 들립니다. 또한 왜 advertising methods가 반대로는 좋은지 2개 이상의 이유를 주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.)
In conclusion, advertising has have as a beneficial aspects in spite of having unethical and unacceptable features.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 글쓴이의 주장에 대한 supporting 내용을 잘 써주셨습니다. 다만 두 번째 문단에서는 왜 이 이유들이 unethical/unacceptable한지 조금 더 서술을 해주셔야하고 세 번째 문단에서는 하나 보다는 두 개 이상의 이유를 서술해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 silly mistakes에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 주로 plurality/number agreement에 틀리시고 계십니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |