▶ Your Answer :
The bar graph depicts the volumes and
percentage changes in crime offences in England and Wales from July 2013 June 2014 to
June 2015.
Overall, the total fraud offences increased
in volumes and percentages within a year. Violence against the person was
recorded the highest crime offences while the sexual offences had changed in
the huge volumes. Meanwhile, theft, robbery and vehicle offences were reducing
in its number and percentage changes in its crime.
There was were a huge number of offenders of
well over 500,000 in June 2014 to about 760,000 in June 2015 for violence
against the person with the volume percentage changes of +25%.<(percentage는 volume이 아닙니다.) The sexual offences recorded an increase of at 41% changes with the lowest number of offences of below 250,000 for both
consecutive years. <(lowest number of offenses는 robbery인 것 처럼 보입니다)
In contrast, the theft, robbery and vehicle
offences experienced a reduction in its number of offenders as well as the
percentage changes by 13%, 11% and 3%, respectively. The number of offences for
those crimes was showing a similar number for theft and robbery of close to
50,000 for both years whereas vehicle offences recorded at about 270,000 in
June 2014 to 260,000 in June 2015.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 정리해서 전달해주셨습니다. In June 2014/ June 2015 보다는 July 2013 to June 2014/July 2014 to June 2015 라고 전달을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 silly mistakes에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |