▶ Your Answer :
Every new buildings and
infrastructures becomes obsolete, which are due to the detrition<(?) over time. It
can be seen as a waste of money and time, rebuilding and redesigning to rebuild and redesign the old
buildings, because it will be depreciated. However, this cost and time for reconstruction
will be valuable for the younger generation, and the introduction of natural
friendly substances in buildings can be beneficial for the environment and
residents.
When the old buildings are
rebuilt, it could mean that it lost its lose the history and memories. Old buildings are
remained in some of areas for various reasons for different purposes of people;
historical expedition, archaeologists' discoveries, and historical artists. It
could be beneficial for the local councils for attracting tourists or marketing. <(coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문장별 내용 연결이 잘 안되고 있습니다)
On the other hand, the
maintenance of those buildings could be inclusive of huge finances and labour
forces. Since the reconstruction of buildings can bring be brought the modernised look
of the cities, this can attract young generations, so that the money involving
for the maintenance would be better to be spent on reconstructing of the buildings.
Since younger generations are being attracted by new, trendy and modernised
styles of buildings and cities for the clean environment, the reconstruction of
buildings can impact on the human's migrations. When, more people flows into
cities, the more occupations will be created and that could mean that the local
government can expect the economic growth with the young people. <(내용 정리를 해주시고 coherence에도 조금 만 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. )
Furthermore, since the old
buildings were not bound binding by the regulation for using the natural building
materials, the old buildings can cause environmental damages. As the time passes, the building materials
that are toxic such as formaldehyde, lead, mercury, and asbestos can harm damage
residents and environment. The construction of new buildings can be more
environmental friendly since the natural building materials are used widely in
most of building structures nowadays.
The reconstruction of old
buildings can be more beneficial for resident's and environment's health since
recent use of natural friendly building materials, and the redesigned buildings
can create the local economic growth by young generation's migrating into the
local cities to create more occupations.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 글쓴이의 주장을 잘 reasoning/support 해주셨습니다. 다만 그저 장점이 있다/좋은 영향이 있다 외에 이것이 더 있다/단점 보다 significant하다 라고 전달을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용상 coherence 에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 두 번째 문단과 세 번째 문단의 coherence가 조금 떨어집니다. 문법상 시제/collocation/the 활용/수동태-능동태/에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |