▶ Your Answer :
Children usually learn the difference about what is right or wrong at an the early age. This process is very important to form children’s personality. During this period, punishment is needed to help them to choose proper selection. I strongly agree that punishment is essential to teach children a moral thinking.
To begin with, young age is the period to solidify children’s identity. Young generations sometimes ignore their parents or teachers, because of their self-esteem. They act very sensitive and sharp when they feel that parents and teachers interrupt them to advise. <Need better coherence> Children should be strictly treated about their faulty <(? faulty what?). Punishment is one of the best solution to correct their behaviour. According to a recent research from South Korea, some teachers have difficulty leading their students due to being restricted to punishing students. <Need better coherence> As can be seen, proper punishment is required to teach sensitive and defiant children. <(전체적으로 coherence/organization에 조금 더 신경을 써주시고 왜 punishment가 필요하다고 생각하시는지에 대해 focus를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) (Need better transition) However, in many countries have banned physical punishment on to children. This is because some teachers or parents abuse their children in the name of punishment. The government encounters a dilemma of whether to allowing physical punishment or not. <Need better coherence>To improve children’s moral, slight punishment should be allowed. <(what do you mean by 'slight punishment'?) <Need better coherence> Limiting children’s curfew during some period of time is one of the best solution. <Need better coherence> Children are realise their behaviours quietly in their room, and relieve their stress level. Thus, it is apparent that slight punishment can improve children’s perspective between right and wrong.
To conclude, it is difficult to manage young generations without punishment. However, punishment should be used in proper situations by teachers and parents.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 내용은 좋으나 전체적으로 coherence/cohesion/transition이 떨어지기 때문에 clarity도 조금 떨어지는 것 같습니다. 연결성에 조금 더 신경을 써주시기를 바랍니다. 문법상 글쓰시는데에는 큰 문제가 없어 보이십니다. 다만 전치사 활용에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다! |