▶ Your Answer : Recently, due to external or domestic cases such as terrors or crimes in external or domestic cases, people are not sure whether their security is guaranteed or not, and they thus claim that governments should focus more on citizens’ safety, reducing spending for society. I agree with this idea because it is absolutely unpredictable when or how dangerous the cases are. Firstly, there have been seriously damaging cases. For example, France Revolution Anniversary took place in Nice in the evening. Then, a lorry driver who might have been involved in the IS terrorist drove into the venue where a crowd was, and it has turned out that many participants watching fireworks were injured, including dead victims. As well as this, the incidents, which were suspected of terrorists’ riots, have occurred in Germany, Belgium and Syria. Such these severe and cruel attacks cause people to shiver. As well as external influences, many lots of crimes have arisen and there has been a considerable increase in the levels in the last few years. For instance, gun shots, abduction and murder are the biggest fearsome crimes in most countries. Because of these factors, including the above, governments should take proper precautions and alternatives for people’s safety by putting more subsidies to security systems and complementing military stuff<(what do you mean by stuff?) to prevent dangers from such terrorists and offenders. Furthermore, sentences should be stronger and governments must not overlook that everything dangerous can occur whenever and wherever. In conclusion, governments should be intensively responsible for citizens’ security, and they need to spend more money on defense than social benefits.
Score: 7 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 왜 social benefits에는 돈을 덜 쓰되 security에는 더 써도 되는지도 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 즉, 왜 social benefits에는 돈을 덜 써도되는지에 대해서 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 silly mistakes나 조금 informal하게 들리는 표현들이 있습니다. 예를 들어 lots of/a lot of 라는 표현은 informal하기 때문에 안쓰시는 것을 추천합니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |