▶ Your Answer :
As society develops, the way of
communication has developed. Due to this new way of communication, people's
standard of living has improved. However, the psychological and physical
damages are inevitable. Therefore, the communicating devices can cause more
harm than benefits, so that an appropriate using manner is required.
In the past, the way of interaction and
communication was limited without modern communicating devices. since the
common way of communicating with each other was via mail or telephone. Furthermore,
the insufficient communication method has limited the time and location of
conversation. In other words, people could not have a conversation when people
from abroad or travel around. Therefore, the communication was requiring a
longer than those of these days.<(irrelevant/modern technologies에 대해 묻고 있는 질문이기 때문에 과거에 대한 이야기는 필요가 없습니다)
Nowadays, people can communicate with each other
easily, so that the geographical differences are not a barrier. People can
easily communicate each other at their convenient time. Therefore, people can
socialise easily and even they can make global friends. <(modern technology/devices 때문에 그렇다고 전달을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
Not only individuals would benefit be beneficial
from such development. The companies are getting the most advantages from
telecommunication devices. Recently, the corporations are broadly distributed
as the society becomes globalised. Due to this globalisation, companies require
to communicate with overseas department. The use of communicating devices can
help them to achieve the tasks faster and easy to communicate easily between
departments. Therefore, the development of communicating devices have enabled
the interaction of people to be easier easily.
<(한 문단으로 정리를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
However, despite all these advantages, it
cannot avoid the disadvantages cannot be avoided. There are several disadvantages of such use.
The most obvious one would be the physical damages such as bad eye sight,
backaches and fatigue. Furthermore, the longer they are using modern
technologies, the more they are affected psychologically. <(how or why?) This can lead to
various mental diseases such as addiction, depression and isolation and which
affect physical socialisation with others.
In conclusion, it is common to see that the development of technology has enabled the improvement of people's lifestyles. This communicating devices development helps people to achieve the task at a faster, easier and convenient manner. However, the dark sides of such development cannot be ignored. There are physical, psychological and socialisation damages that may block the interaction between people. Therefore, it is recommended that people should be aware of the consequences and use such devices in an appropriate manner.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 글쓴이의 주장을 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 내용상 빼주실 내용은 빼주시고 합쳐야할 내용을 합쳐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 silly mistakes/어순/elaboration/word-phrase form에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 부분들은 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |