TOPIC
Young people who commit serious crimes, such as a robbery or violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In modern society, there is no doubt that the juvenile crime which is getting crueler and more horrifying is increasing. Regarding this, I think that young criminals need to be punished in the same way as adults.
First of all, in these days, juveniles are not that different from adults. Because young ones tend to think alike like older ones as because they share the same information through such as well-developed media. So teenagers are already able to discriminate what is right or wrong. So young people's crimes are similarly brutal to adults' ones. 옳고 그름을 어른만큼 잘 구별할 수 있다는 것과 어른들의 범죄만큼 십대범죄도 비슷하게 잔인하다는 점은 아무런 인과관계가 없습니다. For example, two teenagers who committed murder at Columbine high school have done the almost same thing as older criminals have, like the theater shootout in Colorado. That's why young ones are not supposed to be punished lighter than adults just because they are young. 설명된 내용들은 어른과 동일하게 처벌해야 하는 '이유'로 보일 수 있도록 보완이 필요합니다. 어른의 범죄와 같은 형태의 범죄를 저지른 것이 왜 동일한 처벌의 이유가 되는지를 더 설명해주세요.
Secondary. If Secondly, if young people get punished lightly, there is a possibility that they would commit more crimes after then. Because When juveniles get punished less severely than adults, they juveniles don't take their punishments seriously and even consider them to be just small penalties without guilt. In other words, if young people are sentenced heavy punishments, the crime rate will be decreased because their criminal record will get accumulated and will affect their lives. 약한 처벌로 여겨서 재범률이 높다는 설명에서 갑자기 '기록에 남으니까 범죄율이 줄어들 것이다'라는 내용으로 연결되는 것은 어색해요.
In conclusion, youth crime has to be treated punished in the same way as adults. Because whoever commits crimes, crimes affect society in bad ways and make it worse. Furthermore, there will be more crimes committed if punishments are not heavy enough. So there should be no exception among criminals. No no matter how old they are.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 4.5 limited user
각 본론에서 제시하는 주장들이 명확하게 한 가지 요지를 보여줄 수 있도록 좀 더 흐름을 정리해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 범죄율의 감소나 증가와 관련된 내용을 제시하고 있으므로 간단한 보도자료나 연구결과를 함께 제시하면 설득력을 높이는 데 도움이 될 수 있어요. 품사오류나 접속사 사용 관련한 문법오류도 함께 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! 아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammatical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성 |
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