Undoubtedly, investing government money in
developing railways or roads plays a significant role in providing to provide better lives
for people. However, some people say it is more convenient for them to have
extending roads, while others think having more railways is the priority in
this busy society. Thus, the answer to this question can vary depending on the individual
perspectives, but as far as I concerned, I agree this statement given 문제가 없는 상태에서 답안만 읽어도 완성된 상태의 글이 되어야 하기 때문에 this statement라고 지칭하는 것은 좋지 않아요. '나는 이렇게 생각한다'라고 풀어서 정확히 밝혀주어야 해요. with two
reasons supporting my standpoints as follows.
To begin with, when people have easily easy access
to public transportation systems such as railways, it can contribute to an
increase in their overall happiness. This is attributed to the fact that it
gives them a chance to travel to work faster and more conveniently than driving
themselves in rush hours. Also, using railways tends to help them stop feeling
uncomfortable. 앞에서 이미 더 편리하게 다닐 수 있다고 설명했으므로 불필요한 반복입니다. In 2001, for example, a study conducted by Seoul National
University found that there was a correlation between happiness index of people
and the length of time for commuting. What result of this research was that those
who had longer commuting hours compared to those who had less got lower score
on the happiness index. This implies that people with more railways offers
happiness.
In addition, it can prevent climate changes
by making more people use using railways. This is due to the fact that the more railroads encourage
people to commute by train instead of their individual cars. Less usage of
their own vehicles is likely to reduce the emission of harmful gases that
change weather patterns. Many experts have mentioned that CO2 caused causing by
driving cars is a main culprit of the climate change. So as to avoid serious situations like Texas in
the United States which suffered from unexpected massive flooding a couple of years
ago, the government should acknowledges the need to take more careful measures to
continuously prepare for this human-induced climate change. Therefore, the government
should pour money into building railroads.
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of the two reasons mentioned above. Although the verdict may be still be out, I personally believe that two of my rationales are sufficiently convincing enough to represents of a majority of people who are in favor of my claim.
IELTS 1-9 score scale
score: 6.5 competent user
railroad에 투자함으로써 얻을 수 있는 이점을 중심으로 잘 서술해주셨어요. 흐름상 불필요한 반복은 없애주고, 단순히 철도 사용의 장점이 아니라 '철도를 늘림으로써 얻을 수 있는 이점임'이 명확히 드러나도록 해줄 필요가 있는 부분들을 위주로 검토해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. proof-reading 시간을 확보하셔서 문법오류나 오탈자 수정에도 더 신경써주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요
- TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량
- CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성
- LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현
- GR(Grammatical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성