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There is an opinion that parents should take lecture of parent training to rear their children up. I definitely agree with the above statement because it has lots lot’s of beneficial aspects.
Firstly, 'parent training'이 왜 필요한지를 먼저 제시하고 설명을 연결해서 문단의 요지를 분명히 해주세요. it is time for parents to have a job title of parents. In other words, they have never been parents until they have a child. When people work first time, they make a lot of mistakes. It is the same when people become parents. However, there are some differences between them. Parents’s mistakes are able to kill hugely affect the child's life. For instance, if children eat a candy, they might die because the candy can block the throat. And also, babies breath throughout head. If parents do not know this previously, they can have children wear a hat. Therefore, parents should take the class in order to have some knowledges which parents should know in advance.
Another valuable aspect development of class of parent training is that parents can rear their children as a good person in terms therms of personality or professional. Parents are able to learn how to educate their children very well by training from professional teachers who have big data on what education makes children good personality for children or what education give the chance of getting good job in the future. For example, some people are very mature and independent, on the other hand, some people while others are immature or dependent. It is depends on the parents because children are mostly affected by their parents. Some parents do everything instead of children, so the children can not do anything without parents. While, some children very do whatever the children they have to do due to the parent who always trust their children can do themselves. 문단 내용의 일관성을 유지할 수 있도록 내용을 더 정리해주세요. 아이들의 성격측면에서 좋다고 할 것인지 직업 면에서 좋다고 할 것인지 하나로 축소하고 정돈하는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 또한 아이들이 부모의 영향을 받아서 성격이 달라진다는 설명만 제시하는 것은 'parent training'과 직접적인 관련이 없기 때문에 연관성이 떨어집니다. [아이들이 부모의 방식에 따라 성격형성에 영향을 받는데, 부모가 parent training을 통해서 적절한 훈육방식을 배우면 아이들이 좋은 성격을 가질 수 있게 기르는 데 도움을 받을 수 있다]라는 점까지 모두 연결해서 설명해주어야 해요.
In conclusion, taking a class for parents parenting skill has lots lot’s of valuable aspects in that people they can have knowledge knowledges which they should know before they have a child such as foods what the children can not eat and the skill what parent to educate for their children’s better personality. mature.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 4.5 limited user
parent training이 아이들을 기를 때 필수적인 지식들을 가르쳐주고 성격 형성에 좋은 영향을 미치기 때문에 중요하다는 주장들은 모두 좋지만, 이 내용이 더 명확하게 전달될 수 있도록 구성을 더 발전시켜주시면 좋을 것 같다는 생각이 들어요. 단순히 먹이는 것을 조심해야 한다거나 부모가 아이 성격형성에 영향을 미친다고만 설명하면 'parent training의 필요성'을 제대로 강조할 수 없어요. parent training이 왜 필요한지를 더 잘 강조할 수 있도록 보완하고, 설명 흐름도 일관성을 흐리는 부분들은 정리해주면 좋을 것 같습니다. 어색한 표현이나 수량표현 관련 오류도 한번 더 점검해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! 아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammatical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성 |