Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
There are some people who assert that information such as in scientific research, society and the academic world should be shared together as much possible as they can. However, other people do not agree with this opinion since some information would be treated seriously.
On the one hand, people who believe that information are precious things, especially they are included in professional areas. In fact, whatever the information is matter, only if the data is known to everyone, it would live up to name. (파란 부분은 댓글 주세요!) For instance, in the area of science scientific area, if many developers did not share their machines or device data related to inventions such as the cell phone such about as cell phone, people would not have been able to use smartphones could not use any smartphone which can enter websites and have has navigational motions that are significantly useful still now people use significantly useful still now.
Nevertheless, some people think there is quite important information which should be prevented from being shared is allowed to hide from another country or someone else. Nowadays, various techniques or new results have been developed and found quickly and it is able to be treated by someone’s own right to know their founding reports. Furthermore, some secret information of a country such as instructions related to creating dangerous war-weapons a dangerous war weapon-making instructions have a qualification from other counterpart or countries since if these are shared freely, it could threat everyone who has these data.
In conclusion, it is true that founded information should be allowed to share together since it makes people more create new things and develop upgraded-devices. However, it is undeniable that there are valuable data that need to keep secret since these are ruining the connection between people or countries respectively. In my opinion, (서론에서 이미 다 다룬 내용입니다. 이런 거 다시 안 적어도 되니까 본론 보충에 더 신경써주세요!) I think that sharing all of the informations is unfair even if it is composed in science areas, business and the academic world, and some of the things should have a restriction from being shared to share.
총평: 서론과 결론은 역할이 전혀 다릅니다. 기본적으로 서론은 논점의 소개와 글의 전개를 예고하고, 결론은 앞선 글을 요약하는 식으로 작성해주시면 돼요. 단, 지금과 같은 유형에서의 결론은 대비되는 둘에 대한 그냥 내 의견만 깔끔하게 적고 마무리해주시면 됩니다. 이미 서/본론에서 했던 말을 다시 시간 아깝게 적을 필요는 없으니까, 그 시간에 본론에 살을 붙여주세요~특히 현재 본론 첫 번째 문단이 의미 파앙기 되지 않는 부분도 있고 해서 보완이 시급한 상태입니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
+mm님 혹시 지금 스스로 느끼시기에 실력이 너무 안 느는 것 같고 글 작성에 어려움이 많다 싶으시면, 진지하게 (대면으로 하는) 개인 수업이나 학원 등을 찾아보시는 것도 강력히 추천드립니다. 문법이 어느정도 깔려있지 못할 경우 저를 통해 인터넷으로 도움을 받는 것은 한계가 있기 때문에ㅠㅠ제가 많은 도움을 드리지 못하는 것 같아서 죄송하네요
대신, 어떤 방법이든 '대면으로' 하는 수업이어야 합니다! 예전처럼 제가 개인 수업을 했으면 봐드릴 수 있지만, 그게 아니므로...
물론 여기에 계속 올리셔도 제가 인터넷 상으로 해드릴 수 있는 부분은 최선을 다해 봐드리겠습니다.
파이팅하세요 :)