In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people arung the world still go hungry.
Why is this the case?
What can be done about this problem?
In the recent decade, people do not feel hungry because they can get a lot of food using their new agricultural technologies. However, some people around the world still go hungry. There are some reasons why some people are still hungry and solutions how to solve food problem.
To begin with, people who live in poor country have poor infrastructure and environment. For example, many developing country have food problems. Some developed countries’ people can use Internet easily, so people can adapt new agricultural methods to boost food rate. However, developing countries have a poor infrastructure, so many people use traditional tools when they grow their crops. Also, some poor countries have a harsh natural environment. It makes difficult to raise wheat or rice rise. This is why some people still go hungry.
This (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상이 대명사로 쓰여서는 안 됩니다. 이게 무엇을 지칭하는지 정확히 밝혀주세요~) is a main social issue in the world, so many people try to solve this. First, international aid can be a solution to deal with hunger problem. The United Nations sends a huge (구어에 가까운 표현이라 가급적이면 사용하지 않는 게 좋습니다.) amount of crops to help the people. If developed countries can give their extra food, many people are free to the hunger. Second, many people have to learn how to use the Internet and new agricultural devices. There are a lot of information on the Internet, so people can adapt new technology to grow their plants. If people can know and learn new scientific research, they can get many grains and do not go hunger. To be specific, people can harvest much more food when they were taught from others how to use new agricultural devices and how to use Internet. (여기는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.) Likewise, people know the problems and try to find the solutions, no more people do not suffer from the food problems.
In conclusion, after the industrialization, people do not feel hunger because they can earn many food using advanced technologies. However, some people still go hunger because of harsh natural environment or lack of infrastructure. If they can get an international aids, (본론 두 번째 문단의 인터넷 관련 사항도 넣어주셔야합니다. 그래야 글에 대한 완전한 요약이 되니까요.) they will not feel hunger anymore.
1. 목표하는 점수 7.0 ~ 6.5
2. 다음 시험 예정 날짜 : 미정입니다...
3. 27분
총평: (6/6/5/6) 6.0
지금 문법과 관련해서는 실력이 괜찮으신 편인데, 이에 비해 어휘 쪽의 폭이 좁아도 너무 좁습니다. 글 내내 solve, hunger, poor 등 핵심 표현들이 쓰이고 또 쓰이는 중이라 글이 상당히 단조로운 상황이고요. 이에 따라 동의어 공부를 꾸준히 해주시고, 지금 시간이 많이 남는데, 조금 더 천천히 쓰셔도 되니까 패러프레이징에 집중해주세요!
또한, 원인-해결책 유형에서는 원인과 해결책 간 깔끔한 대응을 시키는 것이 가장 중요합니다. 즉, 제시된 해결책이 원인을 직접적으로 극복할 수 있어야하고요. 지금 인터넷 관련 내용을 해결책으로 넣어주셨으므로, 원인 쪽에도 이에 맞는 '정보력의 부족' 관련 사항이 있어야합니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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