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템플릿을 살짝 바꿔봤어요;;;;
계속 템플릿만 생각하니깐 제가 글을 적는 그 뭐지... 시나리오??? 그게 너무 막히는거 같아요 ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ
짧은 준비기간이다 보니 마음만 더 성급해 지는 것 같기도 하고요 ㅠ
some people say that arts subjects such as painting or drawing should not be made compulsory for high school students. To what extend do you agree or disagree?
It is a common belief that all students regardless of education level should be forced to learn arts subjects because someone related to education and students' parents would think that the quality of their childhood’s life can be improved in the future and develop their sense of art, if they understand artistic things in our live. However, I firmly believe that arts subjects what mentioned before must not be made compulsory for high school students. This is because they already are under the stress due to lots of tasks they should study and this could lead to their health problem.
To begin with, the period of high school is very important for high school students because what university they will study at is decided at the time. To achieve their goal that they want to enter a famous university, they have to study everyday from morning to late night. Moreover, they need to more focus on studying subjects like literature, math, science, society and so on that the its weights are heavier on the assessment of university admission.
On top of that, parents may consider art subjects like a painting as mental treatments because there are so many cures utilizing music, painting and smell so on in society. (여기는 살짝 꼬인 것 같은데 댓글 한번 주세요!) Moreover, it makes them to feel a sense of achievement and develop their intelligence, then will affect to their performance in a positive way. However, they overlook one thing. By investing more and more time on studying, students cannot develop their physical abilities could not develop their physical. In other words, unlike parents’ thoughts, it will cause the obesity and bend of backbone because of holding the same position for too long time.
To sum up, although we may be able to understand the intention of student’s parents, do not give more burden in physical and emotional way to them by making compulsory subjects. (여기는 문법을 떠나서 전형적인 구어입니다. ~하지 마라 이런 식의 문장이 아니라, '미술/예술 수업은 필수가 되어서는 안 된다.' 처럼만 적어주시면 됩니다.)
총평: (6/6/6/6) 6.0
본론 두 번째 문단에서는 말씀하고자 하는 바가 정확히 뭔지 파악이 안 된 상태입니다. 분명 글의 전체적인 입장은 미술 수업이 필수이어서는 안 되는 이유인데, 본론 두 번째 문단은 오히려 이에 충돌하는듯한 모습이 보이죠. 이 문단은 의도하신 흐름에 대해 댓글 한번 주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)
+템플릿 때문에 글이 망가지는 것 같으면 그냥 템플릿을 안 쓰시면 됩니다. 단, 템플릿을 안 쓰면 장점도 있지만 단점 역시 있어요. 고로 제가 어떻게 하라 말씀드리기는 어렵고, 캐나다님께서 잘 판단하셔야할 겁니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)