■ You should spend about 40 minutes on this task
■ Present a written argument or case to an educated reader no special knowledge of?the?following topic
■ You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant ???evidence
■ You should write at least 250 words

Topic : In modern society, schools are no longer necessary for study, children can use the Internet which provides a wider range of information. Hence, children do not have to go to school but can study at home.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?.

  The school life is really good to(for) students and adults too. It can affect your whole life as well.

 +School life is quite an important and good educating factor for children to develope social skills.

(문제에서 children에 초점을 맞추고 있으니까 adults에 대한 건 빼는 게 좋을 듯 합니다. 그리고 인트로가 아무리 간단한 거라고 하지만 너무 모호합니다. 어느정도 님의 문장을 좀 더 나은 걸로 바꿔보았습니다.)

 However there are two opposite sides.

(문장이 너무 짧음. 무엇에 두반대면이 있는지 앞문장에서 적었어도 붙여져야 했음) 

One is we should go to school and the other is we do not need to do it.

(one is-로 시작하지 말고 연결어which로 위 문장이랑 연결했음 더 짧고 점수도 더 땀)

+Still there is of course pros and cons of school life and it can be chosen at one's free will whether to go to school or not.

Then, do we(is it) better to go to get the lesson in the school?

+Then there is a question which one is better. 

(학교가는게 더 좋냐고 묻는 것 보다 두개의 선택사항 중 어는게 더 좋을까 식으로 무난하게^^)

In my opinion, we (children) should go to school (and attend classes) because there is a great amount of benefits when we take a class in the school.(are more benefits than not doing so.)

 

  Firstly, we do not just have an examination subject in the school.

(examina~sub이 단어가 단수로 쓰이고 명사명사라서 이상.)

 The communications skills (are also) important as much as school subjects.

+Firstly, school provides chilren more than just studying school subjects and that includes communication skiils which are important as much as school subjects.

If you just study in the house, then you can be easy to worry about relation with others. Moreover, we can make friends and learn understanding, friendship and respect which can not be learnt by family or teachers.

+Staying in house does not help one to develope successful relations with others. However in school,    as one makes friends with other students, one gradually learns understanding, respect and friendship. 

For example, sometimes we(one) have(has) the problems which is(are) hard to tell your

(his or her) parents or teachers. At that time(At such times), we (one) can discuss it (them)with friends. They will definitely respect one's thoughts and listen to one's voice.

After that, the problem will be gone. Besides, your friendship will greatly build.

 

  Secondly, we (one) can (might discover) our own one's special talent through the various school activities. Some students have the different abilities of sports, discuss, chess or playing instruments. The school helps the students finds(s빼세요) their aptitude which it is hard to know themselves.

+Secondly, school helps in discovering students' special talents which students themselves have never known, by providing a wide range of various activities and ushering them to experience as much as they can. In the long run students finish school life, all confident and prepared with their updated talents. 

(문법적 오류가 꽤 많습니닷. 헛, 그러나 고쳐드렸구요 제가 문장들을 아예 새로 단장시켰습니다...네.이유가 있습니다. 님의 위 두 문장은 안개에 싸인 듯한 분위기로 학교가 학생들의 특별한 능력을 여러 활동으로 깨워준다 이뜻만 비슷한 내용이 반복되어 있습니다..제가 부족한 솜씨로나마 덧붙였구요 '아난그뜻이아니었는데' 하시면;;ㅎㄷㄷ) 

For instance, one boy has low powers of concentration about the class work and get into finance(financial-명사가아니라형용사로!) difficult(형용사가아니라명사로-difficulties) but he plays the piano amazingly. Thus, the school teachers try to find the musical competition for him. Also, They are going to help to increase his capability.

In this case, in the school we can develope our efficiency and solve the finance problem. Meanwhile, we can not resolve it in the home or on the internet.(불필요. 군더더기같은느낌)

+For instance, there is a student who shows excellence in playing sports and his or her class teacher might recommend him or her joining the school sports team. If the student accepts joining the team, he or she would be professionally taught and cared by a qualified coach. This would exaggerate the student's capabilites to increase dramatically.   

(하ㅏㅏ.숨좀돌리고. 휴. ^^. 일단 전반적으로 아이디어들은 좋은데 문법적 코렉션이 쬐끔(흠) 많습니다ㅏ. 아이디어들도 서로 일관성이 없어보이고. 예를 들면 금전적인 어려움과 집중을 할 수 없는 학생을 예로 뽑으셨는데 피아노를 잘 쳐서 선생이 콩클을 찾아서 참가시키기도 하고 이것이 그의 능력들을 증가시킬수 있다고 적으셨는데. 금전적인 문제가 어떻게 해결되어 있는지 나와있지 않잖아요? 물론 콩클에서 상 타면 상금을 얻겠지만 채점자가 갸우뚱 할 만 하게 충분한 설명이 나와있지 않네요. 그죠. 반면에 제가 적은 글을 보아주시겠어요? 스포츠에 능한 학생에게 선생님이 학교 스포츠팀에 가입해보라고 권유하네요. 학생이 그 충고를 받아드리고 가입하면 어떻게 되는지도 나와있죠? 네 전문적으로 배우게 되겠죠 그리고 이게 결국은 그 학생의 가능성을 끌어올리는 결과가 되는 거구요. 이렇게 유기성이 있는 문장들로 연결을 해주셔야 점수 좀 나올 만한 예시가 작성되는 겁니다.ㅎㅎ)

 

  Finally, there are lots of advantages when we go to school like communications, friends and own capacity. Therefore, we must go to school. In addition, if the plenty of the special purpose school will be build, the government and the company are easy to hire the employees who take a high quality of education. For that reason, the economics will be active.

 +To conclude, school life not only provides children with literal education but also important social skills which would affect their entire lives greatly. Moreover, those who have finished school life successfully, are able to survive in society more competable than those who did not. For these reasons, I strongly support that children should experience school life.

(아니, 님! 이제 conclusion단곈데 정리를 해야지 왜 갑자기 경제애기에 addition은또 왜 붙인겁니까. special sch 까지!!ㅠ. 이러시면 아니되옵. 전 finally로 시작하길래 body 문단이 하나 더 있는 줄 알았습니다. 제가 정리를 했고 하면서 느낀 건데 문단 수를 body에서 하나 더 늘리고 끝내시는게 좋겠습니다,시험에서. 그리고 의견제시형 문제에선 항상끝에 제가 적은것처럼 깔끔한 마무리가 중요!*^^*)

 

자, 다음은 제가 적은 걸 한 에세이로 적은겁니다.

원문이랑 찬찬히 비교해보시기 바랍니다.

 

[corrected essay]=

 

 School life is quite an important and good educating factor for children to develope social skills. Still there is of course pros and cons of school life and it can be chosen at one's free will whether to go to school or not. Then there is a question which one is better. In my opinion, children should go to school and attend classes because there are more benefits than not doing so.

 Firstly, school provides chilren more than just studying school subjects and that includes communication skiils which are important as much as school subjects. Staying in house does not help one to develope successful relations with others. However in school, as one makes friends with other students, one gradually learns understanding, respect and friendship. For example, sometimes one has  problems which are hard to tell his or her parents or teachers. At that time, one can discuss them with friends. They will definitely respect one's thoughts and listen to one's voice.

 Secondly, school helps in discovering students' special talents which students themselves have never known, by providing a wide range of various activities and ushering them to experience as much as they can. In the long run students finish school life, all confident and prepared with their updated talents. For instance, there is a student who shows excellence in playing sports and his or her class teacher might recommend him or her joining the school sports team. If the student accepts joining the team, he or she would be professionally taught and cared by a qualified coach. This would exaggerate the student's capabilites to increase dramatically.

 To conclude, school life not only provides children with literal education but also important social skills which would affect their entire lives greatly. Moreover, those who have finished school life successfully, are able to survive in society more competable than those who did not. For these reasons, I strongly support that children should experience school life.