▶ Your Answer : As all sorts of technologies such as computing
system and transportation have developed as well as life style of people has
improved, tourism industry has developed. Generally, any kinds of tours as
domestic or international are already been one of the ways to get rid of their
stress or take a rest. Tourism not only brings advantages for a country but it
also brings >> leads 반복은 좋지 않습니다 dangerous effects to them. However, most of countries in the world are
still trying to enhance and increase tourism industry such as attractions,
hotels, airlines and so on in their countries especially, to attract foreigners, >> 새로운 절 앞에 콤마로 나눠줍니다
even if it also brings harmful effects.
>> 보시면 내용이 길지만 결국은 투어리즘이 발달됐다, 좋은 점도 있지만 나쁜 점도 초래했다로 볼 수 있습니다 너무 장황하면 좋지 않습니다
I firmly believe that the benefits of increasing
tourism industry have more advantages than the opposite ones. are more than disadvantages for a country. First of all, the tourism>> " " 는 인용구 등에 쓰입니다
is one of the most popular and easiest ways to earn a big amount of money at one
time. Especially, the money that was spent by foreigners when they were
travelled >> foreigner 들은 스스로 여행하므로 수동태가 될 수 없고 이 부분에선 스타일상 말이 어색하고 이상하게 되므로 빼주세요 is an uncountable amount. That is why most of countries want to develop
their own tourism industry, >> 새로 오는 절에는 앞에 콤마로 표시해주세요 although it might bring some negative effects such
as terrorism, terrorists, >> 역시 콤마 넣어주세요 when they try to bring outside people in their
country. A tropical example country is France, where has many kinds of brand
stores by French such as >> like는 구어체에 가까운 말입니다 Louis Vuitton, Chloe etc >> and so on 이라고 해주세요 etc도 하나의 준말입니다. It can be one of the
attractions for people who want to travel to there, >> 새로운 절 콤마입니다 even though there are a lot
of crimes.
Second of all, the tourism can be helped help >> 수동태를 쓸 문맥이 아닙니다 to improve
economy growth according to above point. This is because they can earn the
money as improve as from tourism. It means that people who visit a country for
travelling will be more and more and >> 콤마로 서로 다른 두 완전한 문장을 이어줄 수 없습니다 the amount of getting money also will be
increasing. The economy growth also will influence on>> 문법입니다 influence on people who are living in
a country as make standards of their life high. Furthermore, tourism will be
created create lots of occupations such as hotels, travel agencies, airlines and even
attractions.
Consequently,
tourism brings more advantages than harmful points to a country as getting
plenty of money at short time, enhancing economy growth and >> 나열의 마지막은 항상 and 로 끝내주세요 creating a lot of jobs
for local people. Additionally, countries which want to develop tourism
industry should consider many ways to reduce risks that will be terrorism, dump
trash in the road, crime and so on by tourists.
투어리즘이 항상 테러의 위험이 있지 않습니다 오히려 911 테러 이후 세계에서 여행자들에 대한 검사가 철저해졌습니다 will be terrorism은 좋지 못한 추측입니다 내용이 계속 반복되네요 attraction엔 어떤 것이 있는지 궁금합니다 단지 루이비통같은 브랜드들이 포함된다면 뒤에 쓸 때도 정확하게 언급하셔야 합니다 수동태의 사용에 대해서 다시 찾아보시기 바랍니다 문장이 장황하고 반복되니 간결하고 명료하게 쓰는 연습을 하시기 바랍니다 또한 테스크에서 말한 어떤 방법으로 이익을 주는 것을 언급하질 않았습니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0 예상합니다 |