▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, due to
the change of life style in fast-changing society, people have changed their eating
habits and main diets due to the change of life style in our fast-changing society. This led to an increase in consuming fast foods (food의 plural는 food그대로 입니다) in our
daily lives and which brought about obesity overweight and lots of disease. In regard to
this, the government has taken the several measures, however but they also should
promote imposing higher taxes on fast food to address healthy problem as in an
effective way.
For decades, government in industrial countries has
been [struggling with diseases to improve public health]<<(confusing statement). The diseases emerged in modern developed
countries, such as obesity(obesity는 disease가 아니고 health condition이에요. obesity로 이한 병들은 disease이고요) and coronary heart diseases, are the results of consuming
fast foods, widely known as these contain excessive amounts of fat,
sugar-sweetened and sodium.<<(need to break into sentences) In order to provide promote a healthy life-style, the government has
continued to provide nutritional information including calories on packages and
nutrition educations warning negative implications. Despite these efforts, lots
of(informal) many people have still consumed the fast foods because it is convenient and addictive by convenience and addictive
flavors. In regard to this situation,
government suggests a more effective way that surcharge higher taxes on junk
foods. This economical pressure discourages customers to spend further budgets.
Nevertheless, some people are concerned that a change in tax prices it would give a burden
to economical weakness for those who mainly consume these foods. It is a fact that the poor are still paying spending a huge portion of their expenses on foods. However, unhealthy eating habits would
affects to individual health and economical losses as well as government.
OverweightObesity and diseases caused by it from fats would lead to suffering serious health problems as well as high fees for treatment from harsh diseases(이미 앞서 disease라고 말했는데 disease가 disease을 생기게한다 라고ㄹ려서 어색합니다)and pay
additional costs for treatment and further managements. Furthermore, numerous
studies have shown that the economically poor weakness occupies the highest rates in
obesity. It seems that the efforts of government should be is required to cut off
a social vicious cycle between the poor and the wealth.
In conclusion, the
health problem related to social implication should be addressed by with a strongly
economical intervention of the government. Furthermore, as government suggests reasonable
standards for imposing taxes, they could conduct this policy with in a better way.
Score:4.5 Comment: 일단 paragraph안의 내용이 덜 정리되어있어요. 이 얘기하다가 저 얘기하는 느낌이 납니다. Connection이 없어 보여요. 또한 topic에 대한 주장이 뭔지 잘 모르겠어요. Introduction 이랑 conclusion에는 주장에 확실해 보이지만 body에는 헷갈리게 됩니다. 두쪽을 다 support하는 느낌이 듭니다. Informal한 표현이 몇게 있어요. 그리고 silly mistakes가 많습니다. 주의해주세요. Sentence structure도 어색한 부분이 많아요. 아마 많은 내용을 한 문장에 넣으시면서 그렇게 된거같아요. 나눠야할 부분이고 나눌수있다면 나눠서 쓰는게 더 좋습니다. |