▶ Your Answer :
I do not agree withe the opinion that death of the minority languages will be good for the world.<bad sentence structure and holds no value. Introduction에는 토픽에대해 조금 설명하시고 의견들 이야기하면서 나의 주장을 쓰는게 옳습니다.
As the technologies for the global communications and mobility is developing in jet speed, we can be connected virtually with every person on this planet in every moment at every place. It seems obvious that communications will be much easier if we share common words and grammars. Even in Korea, some people argue for using the English language for public educations and government documents, because since English is the most common language used for the international communications. <이부분이 introduction으로 더 적합합니다
{ But(문장을 conjunction으로 시작하는건 좋지않습니다) However, we have to take the following to into account: this; if we lose a language, (the world melted in that will be lost either)<무슨 말인지 모르겠어요. The wisdom, the history, the culture, the attitude of a race will be diminished with their tongue.
(따로 나눠쓸필요없이 한 paragraph으로 쓰셔도 될거같아요)
For example, Koreans express the color of yellow in more than 5 five( 숫자1~10은 글로 써주셔야합니다) ways. While ’Norang’ means pure yellow, ’Sat-Norang’ indicates strong yellow. ’Noo-rung’ is luggished(no such word) yellow and ‘Nuri-kiri’ shows the pale tone of a yellow face. If we give up the Korean language, which that is spoken by more than 80 million people, for the easier international communications, our recognition of colors would be restricted.<not relevant. 한국어로 노랗다라는 표현들이 많은것처럼 영어도 많아요 그리고 recognition of color라고 하면은 위해 번역해을 해주셔서 recognition 똑같이 가가능하다 라고 reader가 생각을 할거같아요. That will make our world less colorful and we will lose a big part of the beauty we would have been able to enjoy.
The African word ‘Ubuntu’ cannot be translated into other languages exactly. This unique expression means an attitude for the coexistence and the mutual engagement of human race. Losing this word will result be resulted in the disappearance of the precious African wisdom. } 하이라이트가 된 부분들은 하나의 토픽이고 나눠 쓸필요없이 한 paragraph으로 정리하는게 좋을거같아요
In conclusion, I believe we have to try to preserve minority languages in accordance with promoting the global communications. (284 단어)
Score: 4.5 Comment: Incomplete한 paragraph가 많습니다. 하나의 토픽을 여려개로 나누기보다 complete paragraph을 써주시는게 더 좋아요. 에세이 format를 조금 더 연습하시면 될거같아요, transition과 함께요. 그리고 introduction이랑 conclusion은 한 문장으로 끝내는건 좋지않아요. 특히 내 주장만 이야기하는 것 보단 이러한 이유들/근거들/상황이 있다. 그렇기 때문에 이런 주장을한다 라고 concluding하는게 더 좋습니다. |