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Today, we are living within a society of crimes done by teenagers. Some people say that these juvenile crimes by teenagers should be treated as equally as those by adults. I strongly agree with the idea that those who commit crimes have to be punished disregarding age.
Some critics may have a point that young people making/creating/causing a big social problem<(what kind of big social problem?) need to get chances to reconsider their behavior. They are young and are like our brothers and sisters who need to be taken care of even though they commit crimes. Still They do not have completed personalities to recognize given situations correctly,. Thus, so by giving opportunities to think about their wrong doings over, it can be expected that they are likely to become corrected for their selves.<(뒤에 나오는 clause 가 무엇을 의미하거나 의도를 하는지 모르겠어요) Also, they are put into prison as a result of crimes,. They would probably be affected(how?) and be irritated in the regulated places by prisoners who commit very cruel crimes. This results in unexpected other side-effects such as suicide and killing people.
Nevertheless, we cannot discount merits when the young who break the law are treated like other criminals people. In the first place, we strongly have to consider
equality as the first priority, and this principle has to be linked to all the people. Imagine one of your family being killed has died by a 16- year old murderer,. Can you forgive him with a smile? It seems to be clear that crime is just merely a crime no matter who commits it this. In the second place, if offenders who are under 20 are released after committing comming crimes, nobody is sure if they would ever commit a crime again that they quit such crimes again. They rather behave with boast boastly and possibly plan different kinds of crimes. This means that we have to prohibit this situation from happening.
To sum up, in spite of different opinions that young criminals crimer(??) do not have to be treated like adult criminals crimers(?? there is no such word as crimer), I think it is crucial that whether or not criminals are young, the same punishment should be given to them equally. <(너무 간단한 본론을 복잡하게 이야기하고있어요)
Score: 4.5 Comment: 아직 formal 한 표현력이 많지 않아요. 그리고 문장에 너무 많은 내용을 넣을실라고하고 말이 안되는 표현들을 사용하고 계십니다. 그리고 전체적으로 주장이 뭔지 모르겠어요. teenage crime이 adult crime과 똑같이 treat해야한다고 하셨는데 두번째 문단에서는 전혀 반대 주장을 하고 계셔요. 전체적으로 한 주장으로 argument를 펼치시는게 좋아요. 아니면은 내가 반대하는 이야기를 이야기하면서 바로 내가 찬성하는 이야기쪽으로 rebuttal를 해주시면 좋을거같아요. 에세이 정리를 brainstorming하시고 쓰시면 도움이 되실거같아요. |